" Boys are like busses, you wait for one for ages, then suddenly 3 come at the same time"

So this may come as a shock to some of you, but I keep falling more and more for the weather man. I know its weird huh? But we're still talking and I am really enjoying it. Z has been stupid and hardly ever talks to me which sometimes hurts and kills to no end. Mostly I dont understand why he cant grow a pair and tell me whats really on his mind. Its weird the whole process I've gone through with him.....I can say I wish I didnt start talking to him again and mean it when I say it. If I had known he would play stupid games Im pretty sure I wouldnt have pursued him so hard. Fact of the matter is, I still think there is another girl for him and he keeps leading on as if there isnt with me which is ridiculous. Im not sure why he thinks I want to be lead on ya know? And there are still things that bother me about him, theres never anything I can do to put him in a better mood, he doesnt open up very easily I have to dig and sometimes I dont want to dig, and there are others things Im not going to share because well because I dont feel like sharing it with the universe. Im debating texting him....yet again.....mostly because I cant decide if I need to talk to him to get closure (do I really want to feel the rejection of being left for another girl) and to see if I can get his real feelings out? But then again this could cause more damage and he could lead me on another stupid little game having me think he's more interested than he actually is. Ultimatley the weather man is more the type of person I would like to end up with I just wish he didnt live in another state. Not to mention he's fighting that fire in arizona right now and i wait in anticipation for his text every morning (he works the night shift) to know that he's safe. Not to mention had a dream I was pregnant with Z's kid and wanted it so badly to be the Weather Mans kid....I know it was just my dream, but as you know if youve been keeping up on the blog my dreams influence me a ton (which is how I got into the mess of talking to Z again). Well Im excited to see the weather man hopefully it will be soon, he's suppose to pass through town after he's done in arizona and im STOKED!!!!! there are 2 other guys.......creeper/2x4 and shorty. 2x4 is my creeper who had an "end the relationship" with me he still hangs around he's nice but Ive dated a guy exactly like him but worse he's 27 and stuck in his ways and I cant allow myself to date someone that would bring me down to nothing again and shorty is super nice, funny, has a lot of good qualities I would look for but.....he's short and I know thats me being ridiculous, but when your dad is 6'4" is 16 yr old brother will probably be taller than him and the weather man is 6'5" you realize you were spoiled and cant go back to short.....maybe I could but I care too much about the weather man at this point. Im anxiously awaiting his call today :)
Sorry for all the boy drama but I had to get it off my chest

Shopping Spreeeeeeee!

Victoria's Secret has their semi-annual sale right now and its great, although I hate bra shopping and I did not find one this time. But I did get these :) 

The Red Bottle: Love Rocks 

Original Price: $22.00 

Price Paid: $5.50 

The White & Pink Lotion: Noir Love Me

Original Price: $20.00

Price Paid: 5.00 

Total Victoria's Secret Purchase- $11.20 

Almost all of Victoria's Secret Body Shop things were 75% off 

Now if you thought those were great deals just wait until you see what I purchased at Gap

Patterned Polyester Shirt by Gap size Medium

Original Price: $59.95

1st marked down price: $37.99

2nd marked down price: $27.99

Price Paid: $13.99

Black Cardigan size Small

Original Price: $64.95

1st marked down price: $34.99

2nd marked down price: $24.99

Price Paid: $12.49

Beige Cotton Summer Dress size 8

Original Price: $69.95

1st marked down price: $29.99

Price Paid: $14.99

Black Tank size Small 

Original Price: $59.95

1st marked down price: $29.99

2nd marked down price: $13.99

3rd marked down price: $10.97

Price Paid: $5.48

Total Gap purchase: $50.11

(Gap is having a sale that's 50% off the lowest ticketed price, so its like double if not triple savings there was a tank top I wanted that would've been $5, another cardigan and shirt for $10 if I feel like I have enough money I may go back, or even check out the other mall)

So yes, I do feel like I spent too much money however when I realize that I would've spent at least $44.00 at Victoria's Secret and a HUGE $255.00 at Gap is absolutely incredible! If I felt like doing math I would figure out what % I saved but I'm too lazy and can already see its a little more than 75% (i could be totally wrong) total INSANE SAVINGS!!!!! 

"I don't know if I can pull it off"

Hey all, so remember this post I posted a while back? Well I have accomplished 3 out of the 4 things ;) Something I've decided which I've know for a long time, but im rediscovering it lol. That styles/trends/fashion.....people always say "I dont know if i could pull it off?" which includes me i have said it countless times. But its all about your confidence level, whether or not you have enough "guts" or confidence to pull these things off. Who cares what other people think about you (yes i know its easier said then done), do what you want what makes you happy! Althoug I do understand when people may say this because they like it, but would not feel comfortable wearing something like that, whatever that is. Anyway Im proud to say that I have wore both the hat & glasses, and obviously have the feathers in my hair. I like that the feathers arent like every other persons feathers, theyre quail feathers instead, so not long, but I have 3 attatched to a strand of hair. It'll be the new thing ya? Oh and I decided I dont show pictures of myself very often......so today Im going to.....but dont expect it super often.

Ha Ha I think I'm kind of funny! 

                                       
Oh and look at what I picked up today off of craigslist for $45 Oooooooooohhhhhhhh I'm so excited!!!!!!!!!

Zzzzzzzzzz's on my mind!

Hey all so I'm on vacation here in southern california and its fun.......however, most of my thoughts consist of 1) work 2) my future and 3) Z always Z huh?

I wanted/needed to go on a vacation to get my head cleared and de-stress.........but i feel that this vacation has done everything but that! I love my mom with all my heart I do, I couldnt have asked for a different mother, what I could ask for is one with a better sense of direction, and the same common sense as myself. Im finding myself more stressed out when driving in the car with her especially with a GPS then I find myself at work. So much for a vacation away from stress! Ultimately im not sure what I need to destress, probably a life other then work. All I ever do after work is sit around watch TV or.....sit around? Im not really sure I just know that I do nothing and it drives me INSANE, but I think thats how I unwind, yet im still constantly feeling stressed and feel like theres something weighing down on me. <maybe I need to start going to church more regularly> Anyway Ill try to enjoy the next 4 days I have off.....

My future.......I always think about my future, I think I've come to the conclusion that thats always going to be there. Although what will happen once i get to that future ive always dreamnt about?Do I start dreaming about becoming old and wrinkly??? EW no thanks!!!!! I need to learn how to live in the now, do what I want to do for me, when I want, on my terms. Its worth a shot!

and the notorious Z......I need to stop blog stalking you, damage why did you even tell me you have a blog? Your really good at writing I admire you for that, but if you could be more um direct or specific with your posts that would be awesome :) Also its been a while since I've texted you for multiple reasons a) I think I need to give you some space b) I dont want to come off as desperate, I dont think im desperate, I just want you and no one else (thats only half true I still want the weather man, but ill save him for another post.....maybe) c) I was being a dumb girl and wanted to see if you would text me first since I feel that im always texting you which in turn makes me turn to a & b to not be stupid......d) I probably need to distance myself well I know I do. I just have a hard time imagining that there are more guys besides the weather man and Z out there? Like obviously there are Berlin you've found 2 I just talk myself into thinking theyre the only 2, but I would make life a lot more simple if I didnt worry about MEN! <i am no longer interested in boys> So im going to be selfish and get frustrated at all of you for not leaving comments, mostly because this is a post I want your comments on.......I dont want your opinion on Z or the weather man, Ive already decided that weather man will text me when his phone is alive and well.....but Z on the other hand, I was going to wait till I got back into town to text him and see if I could go see him.....that was the original plan but since im a nazi <meaning crazy, insane, & ludicrous > Im debating texting him before I get back, just say hi see how he is because I really do care and I really want to see him. Maybe text him before I get back with the possibility of seeing him the day I get back before I go back to work? what do you think? I know im being a tad bit crazy <yes im aware thats an understatement> which is why im reining in the troops for some help here.
What are your thoughts? If you all obey me Ill give you an AMAZING post in the next few days on the crazy which is the boy I did not date <dated?> its a good stroy youll all get a laugh if youve ever played the dating game in this bubble we call Provo <my interpretation of dating hell> Ok youre right ill post it whether you give comments or not, but its late im going insane and cant sleep <how is my mother and brother sleeping with me typing?.....oops!>
To text or not to text that is the question?

"I don't know that love changes. People change. Circumstances change."

Watching a classic movie tonight.....The Notebook. How is this so amazing? I could watch it everyday all day (just like Father of the Bride). I know its just a movie, but I feel like no other movie portrays love to, in all its flaws, cracks, glory, and wonder. But this movie (or rather the book, but I never read it) shows it exactly how it is, how it should be, what I want my love to be like. There will be fights and quarrels, I always want to laugh at people who say they dont fight because in my mind its the fights that make your love stronger because you grow from them? I dunno just my inexperienced personal opinion.
Im at a loss for words tonight, and yet I wanted to write. Ryan Gosling is my #1 celebrity crush, and the funny thing about that is I always thought he was extremely attractive until I met Z and im pretty sure they could be twins haha! Not to mention the weather man kind of have some similarities. So I guess thats the ultimate dream guy in my mind! I really missed Z today probably because I watched the movie. Anytime I watch a movie with Ryan Gosling in it I think about him. Im pretty sure he doesnt know or read my blog, but if he does then he now knows his nickname because I believe I've told him that on a few occasions.
Anyway I'm doing alright tonight, dont feel like crying or being pissed. Just in my own mind of empty thoughts. Its never ending in their! Love this movie, for so many reasons not just because its a good movie.
Maybe I'm making these things up in my head and letting myself believe things. I love it though, when I fool myself that someones there who I care about soooo much! It makes everything else in life feel non-existent and unimportant. I love that feeling, I dont have to worry about work, school, church! All of the stupid little things that are weighing down on me.
I'll find him one day......I'm just crossing my fingers I already met him ;)

" What for? Look at us, we're already fightin!      Well that's what we do, we fight... You tell me when I am being an arrogant son of a bitch and I tell you when you are a pain in the ass. Which you are, 99% of the time. I'm not afraid to hurt your feelings. You have like a 2 second rebound rate, then you're back doing the next pain-in-the-ass thing.       So what?     So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, you and me, every day. Will you do something for me, please? Just picture your life for me? 30 years from now, 40 years from now? What's it look like? If it's with him, go. Go! I lost you once, I think I can do it again. If I thought that's what you really wanted. But don't you take the easy way out."

Cause I'm Country Strong

   I think I mentioned in my last post that I watched Country Strong the other day? Im pretty much obssessed with it! Im not a country person, but I think that lifestyle intrigues me to no end. "I've got my gun, an my truck, an my boots" is more or less a good way to explain it. (Lucky me the weather man & Z are  kind of like that, not that I need to keep my mind on them or anything) But ya so I've been downloading the song track songs and know a lot of the words already haha im such a nerd I know but I love it!

So a little bit obssessed with Gwenyth Paltrow If I look anything like her when im 38 I'll be more then happy. Although she really really needs to not part her hair down the middle I hate it and dont like the way it looks. She's not a hippie! But ya she's really good in Country Strong

Leighton Meester is great also. I really really like her hair color.......a lot ;) and the relationship that her and the main guy character have in this movie is adorable!

Speaking of the guy....WOW! I cannot get enough of the scruffy guys. Although looking at pictures of him on google images, he's usually clean shaven which isnt bad, I just like him scruffy better. My dad always says your husband better be clean shaven on your wedding. Which I think he will be, but if he can grow a beard and wears it often I'm almost positive I'll have him growing it back the day after our wedding. Oh ya his name is Garrett Hedlund, I don't think he's been in too many other things but I think he did a fantastic job at acting.

Back to the whole boy/cowboy/scruffy look that I really like. My Dad always says he doesnt think I'm going to marry someone like that. Sometimes I try to picture the type of guy my Dad sees me marrying or if our pictures match? I dont think they do.......but shouldnt they? I mean obviously Im going to marry who I want to marry but I want my dad to like him and get along with him. I like guys that work with their hands, growing up I know I liked more bussiness oriented guys.....and I still do. I just think thats my side, Im the one that enjoys those things, does my husband have to also? To some extent especially if I ever end up having a career in that. Hmph! I want to go live in like Kentucky or Arkansas. I know this may sound really odd, but for some reason I see the country red neck hick life a little less overwhelming. The communities dont seem so stuck up and concerned about fashion, celebrities, styles, etc. Which is exactly how I grew up "ooohhhhh Daddys beamer huh?" is kind of the montage I feel I grew up around. No I want to go on family vacations to a cabin, ride 4 wheelers, go shoot a gun, sit by the fire. Yes I love sitting on the beach, but it all seems so superficial. I guess I can have that in Utah too even though I dont really like Utah lol. Just not Utah County please. Is this odd? I mean I want nice things, and I want to dress nicely still, dress my kids well, but hopefully there wont be so much pressure on my children to look picture perfect all the time? I want simplicity and I feel like if I marry someone with the same background as me, same lifestyle, grew up around LOTS of money, always saw nice cars. That I would be held to that standard for the rest of my life......I would feel the pressure to "keep up with the Jones'". Is that a ridiculous conclusion I've come to? Comments?

"Wondering Why"

There are a few things on my mind tonight and I apologize for blubbering on, but i need to get it out there....out of my mind! 


First off last night/yesterday was one of the hardest days/nights I've had in a really really long time. Like complete emotional break down.....but I fought it :) Im strong and I can get through anything. I keep forgetting how many obstacles I've already overcome in my life and keep putting them off as not so great or amazing because they dont feel that way. I dont feel that way about myself more or less. But people looking from the outside sure think so, so i want and need to start seeing what other people see in me! 


Today at work we get these little calendar things and there is always a funny, or interesting little quote on the back. Today we got the June calendar and the quote was 


"Aren't the good things that come to those who wait just the leftovers from the people that got there first?"
                                                                                                       -Jeremy Pluozek 


When I first read it I thought it was the greatest quote ever! Like seriously the people who always wait get screwed over!!!!! And i am feeling much like that lately. But the fact of the matter is I have no control (which I hate). But I dont control the out come of situations. I make choices based upon the consequences I think may be waiting.....or walk in blindly and dont give a damn what lies ahead. Ultimately its my life and I choose what leftovers I eat!!!! (I hate leftovers actually especially spaghetti)


The other thing....I was watching Country Strong tonight while at home by myself yet again haha! Towards the Gwenyth Paltrow says to Leighton Meester "Love Everything".......love everything. I have a hard time swallowing that because love hurts so much. Even once you've found the one people say love hurts. So why live your life trying and learning to love everything just to almost always be disappointed? Yet on the other aspect love heals. So you cant live with it and you cant live without it? I dont understand the feeling of love. Its just a word but its always meant so much to me even before I knew what being in love felt like. So do I decide to love or go on with out loving everything? Then i also dont want to become one of those weirdos who does love everything everyone etc. and you feel like you have to match their enthusiasm when youre around them and its exhausting! Sometimes you just want to punch them and say you idiot life is not all that great....go experience life and stop living in your freaking perfect bubble because its not reality. (by the way love the country strong sound track....who knew i liked country so much?)


I love, love and appreciate how much it hurts sometimes. I dont think I would be this strong or have grown this much in my life if I hadnt loved, and lost love. Occasionally I remember Im only 21 and I have been through a hell lot more than most 21 year olds I know, then I remember how im still foolish in other areas. Im not perfect at all, but I do have to admit im a pretty damn strong 21 year old. I just often forget this. 


Maybe none of this is making sense....but I enjoy this blog. I know at the very beginning I mentioned that I was going to try to be positive in everything that Ive written and i am sad to say thats not always the case. I can be a "debbie downer" occasionally. Its not because I want your sympathy that I write it here. It that I give myself the illusion that people are reading haha! And you are and you do care about me. So maybe I write here to remind myself of the people out there that love and care about me? I dont know Anyway I think I need to make a shout out to some people. You probably dont know who im talking to or about. Im almost positive that none of the people I want to talk to read this.....but you never know. 


im sorry, for not staying strong to who I am, who I want to be, who I know I can be. I tried to promise myself I would, but once I tried to put you in the past I messed up. I guess im just glad youre not here suffering from my stupid mistakes im making. Ill always love you. You made life a little easier at times when I thought I was alone and no one was there....you always had a way of making yourself known and I miss that! 


You are right......i wasnt committed enough to you and im sure i dragged you through so many silly games and you were still there, so why would you be there when i want you? I get it and I want to say thank you for saying goodbye at least for the next month anyway. I wish I knew what my life was going to look like in a month and I could tell you see i did love you, maybe not to the extent you wanted me to but i did and you taught me a lot. You taught me that men can still tear down my self estee, that i listen to the harsh comments guys say to me. I take certain things to heart. yet at the same time i learned im a lot stronger at standing up for myself then i use to in some aspects. i think thats why we fought so often. the things i want to stand strong on i think i still do. its the bigger things i dont stand so strong on still haha but thanks you were decently good to me. You showed me a different way of life growing up on a farm is way more fascinating then i ever though. My real life cowboy huh......i miss it the thought of seeing the cattle (cows;D) and you riding a tracker without a shirt haha very different from my home life and how i grew up. i kinda like it your home town was just so little and cute. i was always relaxed in that atmosphere thanks for showing it to me


and you.....you oh how i long for you sometimes. Im sorry for how this weekend ended we both know it shoudve ended differently but thats life right. i know you dont know what youre going to do with your life or what you want and frankly i dont what anything for my own life either i most def. should not have groveled at your feet it just shows me being desperate. im not desperate i just kind of want you again haha well i know you were gonna tell me yesterday what you wanted. but i said that awful awful comment to you which i never should have said that i really wish i could take back i wish i could take back a lot of other things and had our relationship end differently but no use fighting the past. so you didnt call last night which i kind of think is a good thing that probably would have broken me to nothing when i already was extremely low haha and you didnt try to contact me today either which ya kind of bugged me but i just need to call you and tell you i dont want an answer i dont! i mean to an extent i do but you dont know what you want so why force it out of you? youre going to choose something either because i want it or because you feel too stressed....i just need to call let you know not to worry about it. i need to work on myself a little or a lot more still and i think thats how youre feeling too maybe? maybe not but i still want to talk to you so maybe thats why i dont want an answer? i dunno i think that if we stay friends right now and you can be there for me or i can be there for you in a non committal friends only loving type of way it might be better for both of us? I mean i still want to cuddle and tell you everything i want you to be my bestest friend ha! but i also dont want to jump into something before im ready. ive been fooling myself into thinking i know youre what i need. again im sorry for my stupid comment. maybe ill call tomorrow? i hope to leave you a message i kind of dont want you to pick up the phone haha i miss you......i love you.......still


oh and poor you. yes poor you what are you doing? i remember when you said you were hurting for me and because of my choices but really! i dont even know what road you think youre going down or why youre hanging out with those people. i miss you....but you most def. are not you anymore haha! so i just have to sit back and watch you go on with your life against everything you ever stood for and talked about. you were so strong you were my rock and helped me through tough times and now your being stupid about your life. like ok ya maybe i was stupid to but this is like your in a pit and you dont have any intentions of coming out. can we ever be friends again? im drowning without friends but if thats the kind of friend youre going to be i have to walk away. im sorry i cant live the life you want or be around the people you want to be around. damnet you use to be one of those bubbly annoying people whos enthusiasm i had to match and now youre just the living dead. i dont know i hope you wake up! i miss you 


Well thats really all i wanted to talk about and now its late and i cant even remember what else i wanted to talk about ha! man tonight is a good night i feel so empowered lol and this weekend will be good maybe i will do my hair all cute and go out somewhere? i dont know where but i want to shine so bright people know im happy!!!!!!!!!!!


p.s. MOM YOURE AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!