Thursday, December 23, 2010

The Nekles

   So one of the wonderful things about coming home is I live with a ten year old who has the greatest imgaination EVER! Just to share with you, this is a story he wrote up the other day that he shared with me.
Chapter 1 The Nekles The Necklace
  There was a boy age of 17, his name was mendigo and he liked just laying on his bed and thinking about imaginary things that didnt exist in thei world. It was a week after christmas and he got a turtle he names foo because he had no idea what else to name him. He had a best friend who came to his house every weekedn but he wasnt coming when he usually does. I was waiting for for him 30 more minutes when fnally i heard a knock on the door. and opened it. There standing at the door was my friend buckex he had black hair bushy eye brows and and the part I like the best was he had grey eyes. I asked him why he was late and he said you'll see. we went to my bedroom chated about things then i said do you want to go somewhere he said yes but after this. whats this i said then he pulled out a necklace it has a claw holding a green gem, he said it was a late christmas gift then he said theres only three different colors left in the world. I asked him where did you get it, he said the black market.

So I didnt spell the whole story how he did otherwise it might have taken you logner to read it. haha and I like how it changes from him being the narrator to him being the 17 year old boy. Too cute huh? Great story i mean hes good right? Introduces the characters, giving a hook, makes you want to read more huh? I realize its not completely pulled together like obviously there are things missing. But just imagine what he'll be able to write when he is 17 haha I love him to death!

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Something Kind of Wonderful

Ok so I really dont know what to write about, but I do know that my last post, needs to not be the ridt post people see when they come to my blog. It was depressing and quite frankly even though life sucked that day, thats not how my life is. It just catches me by surprise which is so stupid because I knew I was pmsing but who knew that after youre pregnant its that bad????

Well im flying home tomorrow and couldnt be more excited. Im excited to see my Dad and "talk business", excited to see Hunter and hear his belly laugh, im excited to see Tabs and talk about girly things...maybe have a ridiculous argument or two (i never had a sister to fight and argue with and i dont care if im 21 im going to live up to that stereotype haha), Im excite to see Christopher and hear secrets and see how much taller he has gotten that kid is seriously TALL! I have no doubt that he will be taller than my dad. Im also excited to see my mommy, and just hear her voice. This may sound odd, but her voice is so familiar to me, like even more so then my dads. I wish I could explain it but theres a level of comfort and safety that comes with hearing her voice, no matter how many arguments weve gotten into. Shes my mommy. Oh and im excited to see my puppy Boston, my love, my baby, my pookie! He was the first thing I ever felt to real love. If you dont have pets I fear you will not understand what im saying, but if you do have pets its incredible that bond you form with them huh? Theres just something kind of wonderful about going home!

Oh hey this is my new favorite blog 

Speaking of blogs, let get this hair blog on its way people! That will be a new years resolution I believe. Lets brainstorm names..... Starving Hairstylist? (or something to that effect but no im not literally starving). If we want to go with tv show type titles Styling with the Stars (too cheesy i kinda think so) or So You Think Youre a Stylist (hahahahaha). um.....Charming Cosmetologist? Enchanted Styles by Berlin? Youre Beautician? Hair Couture? Couture Stylist? Im kind of liking something with couture????? Help I want advice which one grabs your attention? hooks you? sucks you in to a world of lavishing hair design, advice, and suggestions? This is going to be big people BIG!!!!!!

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Ultimate Death (warning!caution!danger!dont read!)

Ok so I really dont intend anyone to actually read it, i just need to write and for some reason writing in a journal on paper isnt doing crap for me. Oh and also.......do not leave any comments on this post! (bet ya never thought youd hear me say that huh?)

Z is dead
DPJ is dead
Which leaves me feeling completely dead inside.

Why is it that you need physical people and physical touch to make you feel alive? I dont understand life, nor do wish to make any sense of it because it hurts. DEAD! is going home to my family really going to help? I mean im thrilled about going home and everything, but is that just going to make me feel more hurt and dead? I want to be happy at home with my family I do, but they can always tell when im having a hard time. I just want them to see me happy see that im progressing. Truth is though im not, im not and they can already tell just from phone calls. I can hardly listen to my mom or dads voice without crying. Its a lot easier to talk normal when you only say 3 words at a time. I dont like life, this wasnt suppose to be life, life is great and full of energy. Mines not though.....this is dead life. I need someone male or female to just walk into my life and 1 help me realize what im doing and 2 give me reason to be better. There is no rhyme or reason to my life right now which leave me with no motivation to do anything. Im almost past the point of going through the motions. Something is seriously wrong with me. Please please please I am begging all the nerdy brainy scientist crazies out there to make a time machine and let me go back 2 years....just two years is all im begging for. Then Z wouldnt be dead nor would DPJ for that matter, and I would be happy. Life wouldnt by any means be perfect but id be happy. Maybe even married in the temple......thats never going to happen is it? Too much effort in that, whats the point. I think I just might spend all day in bed tomorrow......or on the couch like today:D

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Say What?

Ah can you believe its been practically a month since ive written? Thats insane, i thought that day would never come! Life update........lets just say life isnt/hasnt been all that great. Atleast not great enough to mention anything. I work for Golds Gym whenever I want to basically, hopefully in the new few months ill get an hour job doing all sorts of paperwork. Which is kind of what I love to do.......anything that means being ORGANIZED :D
Well i get to go home in less than a week, i cannot wait! Im not home sick per se, but i want a break from this awful reality. Sometimes life sucks to but it bluntly! Ive got to get back on top of my "game". Not my dating game.......boys are the whole reason life sucks right now. I wish they would just leave me be to figure out my life. But I suppose thats the attraction right? Not giving them the time of day and being vulnerable on top of that. This is what I call a recipe for disaster!!!! I need to cleanse the pallet again, so i feel that going home will be so good. Especially since i still dont have a good job thats making me decent money.
Ok also I was talking to my roommate Julie just about wanting a good blog, like how do you hook people to get lots of followers. sponsors, etc. etc. My life is worth writing about, but just because its worth writing about doesnt meant that its interesting to random strangers right? So we came to the conclusion that I need to have a HAIR blog. Right doesnt that seem only logical? There are a billion fashion, design, craft, and wedding blogs right. But theres only a vast majority of hair blogs. Maybe there are some amazing ones, ive just yet to find them. So in my mind there arent many:D The big question is how do you get a big following???? I must figure out this blogging world. How much fun would that be? I love hair, so why not completely indulge myself into it? Dumb question huh? Ya I thought so too. Hopefully im quirky enough to get these strangers to listen to me.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Yes Please!

Oh my I wouldnt mind some cuddling with this sweet thing!
He models here! I really like they're clothes, I just need some more money:D

Monday, November 15, 2010

This is What I Want!

  Someone to look at me with soft gentle, loving eyes
  Feel the rough yet familiar calluses on his hands
  Warm tender arms to hold me
  Stability
  I want to get married!
  Hours of useless laughter
  Someone to cry with 
  Burnt dinners every other night 
  Stargazing
  I want to be a newlywed
  Hands engulfing my stomach
  Quick swift kicks to feel 
  Restless nights 
  Midnight grocery runs
  I want to be pregnant!
  Skin so soft 
  Tender tears of joy 
  Hours of agony that turn into pure joy 
  Cries that mean I need you 
  Thousands of ounces of love in the air 
  I want to be have a baby!
  Carpools 
  Bad report cards
  Tight hugs that say "never let go" 
  More burnt dinners 
  Baseball games and dance shows
  Nights of sitting on the couch watching movies 
  Running late to church 
  One night getaways 
 I want to be a mom and a wife!
  College applications 
  Trips around the world 
  Grandchildren
  Move south every time it gets cold
  Still feel the calluses on his hands 
  Have those warm arms hold me as tight as possible
  Sweet kisses on the forehead
  Stargazing 
  Hours and hours of laughter
Stability
 I want to get wrinkles and grow old with my husband!
  I want a normal no nonsense life!!!!!!!!

So why am I being so stupid again??????Why??????

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Ten Little Indians

 Ten Little Indians
Ten Little Indians going out to dine;
One went and choked his little self and then there were nine.
Nine Little Indian Boys sat up very late;
One overslept himself and then there were eight.
Eight Little Indian Boys traveling to Devon;
One got left behind and then there were seven.
Seven Little Indian boys playing with a hive;
A bumblebee stung one and then there were five.
Five Little Indian boys going in for law;
One got in chancery and then there were four.
Four Little Indian boys going out to sea;
A red herring swallowed one and then there were three.
Three Little Indian boys walking to the zoo;
A big bear hugged one and then there were two.
Two Little Indian boys playing with a gun;
One shot the other and then there was one.
One little Indian boy left all alone;
He went and hanged himself
…and then there were none.

So Im in Utah now, just to get that out of the way! While driving to Utah (among going through 20 qts of oil, aka car problems) I listened to a book on tape.....yes on tape, luckily my car is old enough to have a tape player. I went to the library and browsed the book on tape section because its a long drive and I might as well do something other than look like a fool singing in my car for 10 hours! I found a Jodi Picoult book who I love (she wrote My Sisters Keeper, but I love Harvesting the Heart way more!), and a Nicholas Sparks book (you all should know him, he wrote The Notebook, Dear John, and The Last Song among others). So I was about to go check out because I was content with what I had found, I saw And Then There Were None. I read this book in 7th grade and it was the first book that I actually read the whole thing with out using spark notes haha! I thoroughly enjoyed it, that is the book that got be into reading. I never was much of a reader before. So when I saw it I knew I had to get it.
So I listened to the whole book (though I definitely did some crazy singing in my car also)! I love it, it is now my ALL TIME favorite book. I forgot how good it is. Even though I knew how it ultimately ended, there were still little (but very important) details I had forgotten.
The short synopsis is a group of ten people are invited to an island, no one knows each other nor does anyone really know who invited them. Then someone dies and the story just gets better from there.
There is a movie called Ten Little Indians, but does not do the book justice by any means. Mostly because the movie ends way differently and I think the ending is what makes the book so great. Oh did I mention Agatha Christie wrote it? Ill have to read some more of her murder mysteries!
I totally recommend this book, from what I remember its a decently easy read! So read it/listen to it. Funny thing is ive been planning on writing a blog about it ever since the 3rd chapter of the book, and one of my best friends just posted about one of her new favorite books. So now I feel like im copying her/we're starting a new trend haha! You all should now blog about your favorite book or one youve read recently. Im totally going to read the book she recommended it sounds intense!

Friday, October 22, 2010

I'm A Mormon

So while looking at a friends blog she mentioned mormon.org. Of course Ive been to it multiple times, but honestly I go to LDS.org way more often(go figure). So I headed on over to mormon.org to read/watch other peoples "stories". Just about their lives and who they are besides being a  mormon, but also how being a mormon is apparent in their daily lives. These are my two favorite! If you tend to me an emotional person prepare to tear up. Im not a very emotional person unless it comes to children.....ive always been more emotional about children i.e. loosing one, feeling for them, etc. Its been like that since forever. Now with the added experience of pregnancy and adoption im more emotional about things like that. What im getting at is read this alone if your embarrassed of crying where others can see you haha.



Of course this got me thinking! A lot about the apprehensions im having. Especially the first video got me thinking. Theres a part of me that is relieved that Ive been through such a difficult trial because that means possibly thats going to be the hardest trial ill ever have to go through. But then I get freaked out because I had such a difficult trial so early on that maybe it was preparing me for an even harder more trying trial that awaits me. I cant really imagine going through something harder! I mean I really dont want to (who wants trials?). So part of me feeling scared to move on with life, move, get a job, meet new people is that means life moves on, which means trials are to come. So staying at home immobilized makes more sense because its safe and practically a fail proof way to not come upon another trial (at least thats how it is in my head). I know its a ridiculous notion! And I also know that im going to move on, with the trials right around the corner. I just have to figure out how to not be anticipating the trials because that will only make life harder. Immobilize me! Im ok honestly this is just stuff that came up literally like 20 min ago and its just stuff i have to think through. Ill probably be over it tomorrow if not sooner. Ultimately the point of this blog is to share these videos with you, encourage you to go to the site. Read/watch others profiles on their lives as a mormon(if you watch them on youtube, dont read the comments itll just make you angry that people are so ignorant). Also what a great missionary opportunity! Send your coworkers, friends, store cashiers, whomever to the site. Might intrigue them to want to know more :D
I am Berlin, im 21, a college student, a birth mom, a daughter, a friend, a sister, and ready to conquer my future!

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Apprehension

Hey All! So I am moving! To Utah, where else would i move? haha! I was thinking about that a while back.....I wish it made sense to move somewhere like the east coast of southern California......but that makes absolutely no sense. Someday maybe Ill move somewhere like that?
Dont get me wrong and think that im not happy about moving to Utah.....Im thrilled. Or at least it depends on the minute of the day. Ive always had some anxiety problems, everyone does mine has just been a little more "enhanced" than others. Which I live with, its hard sometimes, sometimes i even completely breakdown and dont do much of anything because it easier that way. I fake myself into not being stressed about things i need to get done. Does that make sense? Anyway, so I made the choice to move back to utah for a bagillion reasons that im not going to bore you with. So I feel confident in my choice, my im so freaked out!
Ive always been the girl who couldnt wait to move out when i was in high school. Which is why i moved when i was 17......now im 21 and scared to move out??????Boy does life not make any sense sometimes.
No matter how stressed or anxious I am about moving back to Utah its gonna happen, I dont really have much of a choice in that. Only because I know its where I should go.
Im more afraid of change than I ever thought. Everyone is afraid of change to an extent and I am realizing or well accepting that Im terrified of change and not being in control (im completely perplexed how I handled the pregnancy surprise, and all the unknown/not having control of the situation.....how did I get through that and yet this is worlds hardest time?). I really need to work on it.......I will and itll be alright. Still apprehensive about a new situation, new place, new people, new life, boys, being social. Continuing to enhance the person I already am, along with discovering the new person I still long to be. Its going to be a process, I wonder at what point I will be content with me, and my life? I hope it comes sooner than later. 

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Commercials (2)

I only posted a few of the commercials I wanted to share, so im posting the rest of them today. I had to limit them to only 6 because there are tons of other ones. These are just my absolute favorite. There is another wheat thins ive seen which is pretty classic, but youll have to go look it up yourself, or hop on over to their website. And the all state mayhem ones are all pretty dang hilarious! Theres like a whole series of those ones.







Oh man I cannot help but smile on this last one.....HILARIOUS! Boys.....GET A LIFE! i totally believe that this is something that would happen. What makes the commercial so great is that its a guy doing it hahaha (who is Liz Lemons ex boy friend that likes to randomly pop up on 30 rock, i forgot his name though)

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Commercials

 Just wanted to say thanks to my Aunt Nancy for leaving those comments on the previous post. They definitely gave me lots to think about, which has been good. Ultimately im thinking about something that i shouldnt even bother thinking about. Need more ME time! So again thank you I really appreciated them.

So I've been dying to share some of these commercials for a while but have yet to do it. Not sure why.....procrastination? As if im not already on the computer during the day. Anyway i dunno I find them hilarious, hopefully you will too or ill feel like a total dork! (Ive been using that word a lot....Dork......because i really do feel like one, hopefully its just a phase).







Sunday, October 10, 2010

On My Mind.......Blerg!

Im totally having issues I think. Whats on my mind? motorcycles, trucks, soda, zumiez, amazing jeans, dvds, small house, guns, teaching...........Greg! Why am I aching for his friendship? This is not what I really want its making everything all sorts of confusing. I must be doing it to myself? How in the world would a friendship even work with how crappy I treated him? Is a friendship what im really wanting or something more? Maybe just the option for something more? see where things go? But I already saw where things went! See I wont say anything, what if he has a gf or is actually engaged like in my dream (i wonder what he did with my ring?)? That would almost hurt even more if I found out he was able to really really move on and I havent! I shouldnt entertain the thought of asking something so stupid! Greg........this is ridiculous......im in need of guidance! WHY, WHY, WHY? HELP!(this needs to get resolved quick)

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Read the Printed Word

Hey Friends! Did a little update on my blog, now you can check out the blogs I look at most, as well as my good friends blogs that I truly love reading. I however need to become better at posting comments if I expect them in return haha.
Anyway what this post is really about is "Read the Printed Word" just a great idea that esb and cevd put together. I have posted in on my page because I am and will take the pledge to read the printed word, i.e. books, newspaper, magazines. In todays world too many people depend on the internet and other electronics for their reading. So in todays world I want to continue reading from paper. I strongly encourage you all to take this pledge too. Books are so unique, the smells each new book comes with, the smoothness of the binding, the occasional art work, just pages and pages of wonderfulness. I wish I was more of an eloquent writer (isnt that why there are writers? who publish books? because they can write better than I do right ;D) and could express my thoughts better and I would let you know how dedicated I feel to this pledge. Click the link and get your button and take the pledge!

Friday, October 8, 2010

One Simple Text

This text message is one I recently sent out......
"Ah that makes me happy! That's fine I mean like I said we might be watching iron man 2 and I kinda want to hang out with my family so just let me know:D"
I know its nothing huge and doesnt really mean anything to you reading, but 2 years ago this is a text i wouldve died if i sent it. "I kinda want to hang out with my family" my friends would have thought I was kidding. But now Im proud to say and admit that I would like to hang out with my family opposed to hanging out with friends. This is possibly because I might not be here for very much longer and want to eat up all the time with them I can, or its just who I am now. Either way Im happy I want to spend time with my family. Maybe it comes with age? I dont know but what i do know is that I love and appreciate my family for everything they have done for me. No one can ever replace them as annoying as i may think they can get, at the end of the day I am a Busby, just like them, and will love them always. Im so glad I get to spend the rest of my life with them. Kind of cant imagine adding someone else into the mix!
Busby family summer 2009

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Makes The World Go Round

Its crazy how one single picture makes the day a better day. Makes doing the right thing that much more meaningful. Changes my thoughts and actions.
Even with all these feelings of confusion and not knowing where to go, a picture can freeze life in that moment, when everything is carefree and peaceful. Im grateful for that place I can escape to when looking at pictures.
(Enjoy these pictures and my thoughts on Olivia while you can, I think I am going to retire writing about her publicly either at the end of the year or sooner, I do however know that all post about her will be disappearing from this blog at the end of the year so if you've missed any, do your reading now :D )

Monday, October 4, 2010

There's a Slight Chance I May Be Crazy

   K so dreams.........ever since Olivia was born I've been having more and more dreams, which is fine because frankly I enjoy them. Most of them anyway, except for the one last night.....The only person I really want to talk and discuss it with happens to be on a mission right now, so I will wait for her letter back I suppose haha. However Im sharing it on her because I have this weird theory kinda that if I write it out (anything for that matter) then it will be left on the paper. I think thats why I journal and write so often because a lot of the time it helps. I can just leave it behind and not think about it....So this is my attempt at that.

I have woken up from dreams kinda distraught or thinking they are real. Which always throws me off, so this morning was the same. Except very different, I've been awake for who knows how long now and I cannot shake the feelings I got from it.

So this is what happened in the dream more or less (hopefully i can give you the readers digest version). In the dream Greg was there (go figure this is what made everything complicated) and he was engaged......to someone else. (i wonder if he is in real life??i mean it has been almost a yr????hmmmm but i dont really want to know......i think). To this small blonde girl.....needless to say in the dream i did not like her. Gregs mom was also there, and Livvy(didnt look like her but thats who it was in the dream). For some reason in the dream Greg had her, like had custody of her or something. Except it was almost as if I had given her up for adoption to him. Weird! Which therefore meant this stupid little blond girl was also going to raise her. Gregs mom didnt really play a part in it she just held the baby a few times. So in the dream Greg talked to me a lot and I dunno i cant remember the exact conversations we had in the dream, but more or less he still loved me and wanted to be with me, but was engaged and was still going to marry this other girl. So for a lot of the dream it was me trying to find him, getting around the stupid blonde girl, to convince him that he was meant to be with me. So that we could raise the baby? I think? throughout the dream people kept handing off the baby to me to take care of. which was fine because it was my baby, but then the blond girl would come in and take her from me which obviously was hard. To make this dream worse I woke up once and tried to really wake myself up so i could shake off the weird feelings i was having, just to fall asleep again and have the dream continue. "At the end" of the dream it was clear greg was not going to leave this blonde girl and was keeping the baby. Which is where i woke up.

Odd dream ya? and even still i feel all sorts of weird about it as if it really happened.....still 8+ hours since i woke up. I do not understand and im usually not into looking up what my dreams mean and stuff but i had to today this was the only thing I came up with
Ex "lover"-Since dreams speak symbolic language, it is important to think past the actual person who is appearing in the dream. Try to think about what the person symbolized as opposed to the relationship you had with him. For example, if your ex was a doctor, he may be standing in as a symbol of healing - even if the relationship itself was anything but! http://www.bellaonline.org/articles/art39117.asp
If we’re going through a stressful time in our lives and seem to have more on our proverbial plate than we ever asked for – our mind will take us to a “simpler time” – if an ex happens to be there, it isn’t necessarily a compliment to them. http://www.dreamprophesy.com/dreaming-about-ex-boyfriendsgirlfriends-husbands-or-wives/
Feeling of abandonment - The primary interpretive question is: `Who abandoned the dreamer, and why?' Being individually abandoned by a significant other can represent a feeling of insecurity in a relationship. This may reflect concerns about the feelings of another towards you. Are you genuinely receptive to the idea of being loved and valued, or do you view another?s affection as show? Abandoned: iVillage http://www.ivillage.co.uk/astrology/dreams/emotions/articles/0,,602746_603970,00.html#ixzz11R8NNIBe
Feeling Vulnerable - Because your person (either physical or spiritual) is at risk in dreams of vulnerability, the exchanges and conclusion of this dream indicate much about your life and how you see it. You may be wanting someone to come along and make things right, or experiencing a self- destructive pattern that needs resolution. This dream can often open your waking mind to ways out of the position that has you in a subservient or defensive posture. Vulnerability: iVillage http://www.ivillage.co.uk/astrology/dreams/emotions/articles/0,,602746_616120,00.html#ixzz11R8oAUqf
So thats what I came up with and it makes sense given the circumstances. But the main thing that is bothering me is that Love feeling. Someone made a comment to me a while back that no one that loved me would put me in the situation where I would get pregnant and vice versa. To an extent I agree with that, however, I was engaged......I was in love with him before anything happened. So maybe more a matter of respect and all, I dunno. What I do know is that I think there will always be a part of me that loves Greg. I mean theres a part of me that still "loves" my first boyfriend in HS and the first BF out at college. I mean maybe its not love with them but there is def. still a small little notch for them in my heart. So i just feel like Gregs notch is quite a bit bigger than the others. While trying to wake up and shake things off I had so many thoughts go through my head like I wonder what he's up to, I wonder if we could ever date again, I wonder if we could be friends again because I know we had a great friendship. I just didnt continue with that friendship because at the time I was so hurt, so devastated, and life was just too painful to get through with him around. So thinking about that it makes sense that I cut off communication. Even now it makes sense that I dont have communication. But why is this dream causing such a big problem in my mind? Im sure there is someone else better out there for me, and I keep having to remind myself of the little problems we had. I cant decide if its the "being in love" aspect of it im actually missing or him im missing? Oh goodness this was not suppose to ever be a problem again. I better not be stupid and email him or something because yes the thought did cross my mind, but what would i say? how would he react? what if he has a gf or is actually engaged again? could i feel good about that? I dont know, so maybe blogging about it is also keeping me from doing something stupid. BERLIN YOU ARE NOT IN LOVE! sheesh! Im hoping these thoughts and feelings will be gone tomorrow......I hope, oh goodness I sure hope so. I have to admit feeling like you miss someone who caused you pain is actually a little bit painful itself. I think thats because I may not have treated him nicely or fairly and now im feeling worse about it? Maybe I can write an email apologizing?.......oh goodness wouldnt that be a stupid idea! Have I really not gotten over him? I thought I had, he claimed he wasnt in love with me anymore after like 2 wks its 10 almost 11months later and theres a possibility im not over him? I feel like a little child......very very vulnerable right now......which means stay away from boys at all costs, which also mean NO EMAILS! sorry im saying that so much to remind myself its not a good idea. Well sorry if you read all of this and realized im going crazy and wish you hadnt read it hahahaha. But thanks if you did :D

Friday, October 1, 2010

Bucket List (ish)

  1. Go on a study abroad
  2. Go to the Hollywood Cemetetry and see movie
  3. Go to the San Fransisco flower market
  4. Take a row boat out in Central Park (NYC)
  5. Swing on a Trapeez 
  6. Bungee jump?????(still debating)
  7. "Swim" with sting ray again 
  8. Stay in a hotel in Time Square with a view
  9. Take a road trip cross country (preferably with husband, or close friends)
  10. See Mt. Rushmore
  11. Kiss barefoot in the rain (not sprinkling, like full on raining)
  12. Visit the "Love" park in Philly
  13. Travel around Europe a separate time from study abroad  
Im sure I will add to it later on in life

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Olivia Lea Barry (part 4)

video

   I'm partially expecting possible bad news later this evening so I need a "pick me up". Get my head in the right place type of thing (if you dont understand I have no idea how to explain it better sorry). What a better way then to write about Livvy :D In my first Olivia Lea Barry post I mentioned that I would blog about some of her little quirks she had that I adored. And since Im on that organization kick im going to write it in list form......with bullet points :D
  •    she always had/has her fingers and hands up by her face! its even cuter when she would put her long skinny finger into her mouth
  • I realize all babies do this, but she makes the cutest noises ever almost as if trying to get your attention (even at a day old)
  • the "disgusted" look she would give me when trying to take a picture and the flash was too bright
  •  how she would cry if she was cold, not a shrieking baby cry but a cute one i have no idea how to explain that either (my moms comment when she saw this picture was "oh look a typical Berlin face" I guess she takes after me hahahaha)
  • the way she would push her legs to go straight when she was wrapped up in the blank

proof of bullet point #3

  • her breathing when she sleeps
  • the way she would blink while looking at me
  • one thing I really remember from both pregnancy and when she was born were her hiccups, i have never heard or seen a baby hiccup that often. She did it almost every night while i was pregnant with her and then pretty much always after she ate. Too cute though! 
   So sorry about the multiple posts in one day, I just wanted to share my happy thoughts. Plus who knows how long it will be before I blog again (watch I'll probably blog again tomorrow....great now I totally have to make an effort not to). Im saying that because I tend to not blog if I think Ill only have negative things to say, although I do see my case worker tomorrow maybe that will help. Hmmm.....well thanks for reading again!

Organization Kick

   If you havent noticed Im on some sort of organization kick.......although I havent been super organized. Its difficult to be as organized as I want to be when im living in someone else house. Just one of those things I cant wait for, to be able to organize my own house someday. Someday! Color coordinated closests, bins with labels, baskets for laundry with labels, organized pantry and fridge (i debate about this being possible or totally ridiculous), and Ill know where all the dishes go, books, movies, etc. Ya ya I get it im kind of a dork like that, but its ok.
   I think thats why I write lists so often. Theyre completely organized! So while blog hopping (im working on finding something more productive to do with my life) I came across this lady's blog. She has a post about her "Life Binder" which is so totally smart. I always try to get a planner like that set up but always get frustrated trying to find a system that works for me. Lucky me, she posted a link to her templates she uses, and oh are they super organized :D So im going to try and use them......not that it will be filled with much, but if it works im set for  life! She has her own inspirational quote about goals at the top, it didnt really inspire me so I switched it to one Albert Einstein said "If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things". So you could switch it to whatever you want. I also made some of the boxes bigger, but all in all im excited to start using it and see how it works out!             

Monday, September 27, 2010

Covet This?

I am coveting black bookcases right now!!!!! Obviously I cant have one because I dont own a house, nor does the floor plan for my dream home have a spot for a black bookcase/shelf (.....hmmm maybe the guest room/office i guess that would make sense.....oh and yes i have a floor plan of my dream house:D). But I just think they're so elegant, classy, and timeless. To be honest the first thing that comes to mind is Clue the game haha and Agatha Christie's book And Then There Were None or Ten Little Indians (ones the book, ones the movie cant remember) just that time period I guess. Ya know where the men would go into the parlor/library for their brandy after dinner or something like that. Ah I am coveting it bad! Is that even possible?

Also Im dying for organization so when I came across this picture from here I had to save it to my files. Its so organized I love it! Color coordinated like my closet too :D I want a walk in closet also.......with tons of clothes to fill it up with. Like Carrie Bradshaw's closet from Sex and The City (although im a bigger fan of Charolette, shes much more conservative, and I've only seen a handful of episodes) Look at all the SHOES! I am not what I would consider a shoe fanatic, but I do love shoes! Especially organized shoes. Agh its so organized Im in love!

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Escaping

     So its saturday so a day of relaxation right? Right well lets just say that all I did was watch practically ALL the new tv show season premieres or the new pilots (super excited about Bones, Grey's Anatomy, and LoneStar, and possibly Our Generation mostly because I never really understood the whole high school scene which is why i went to 3 different HS) and ate popcorn and chocolate chips.......yes just popcorn and chocolate chips and I've had like a dozen water bottles. So what the heck am I doing? Escaping my thoughts is the only thing I can logically think of, which is a stretch im not sure if my thinking is actually logical at this point?
    Argh! When I drive......I have to turn on music and have the volume up, yet again escaping my thoughts. At least trying to. This has been one interesting week I dont know how I managed to not go crazy over my thoughts while I was pregnant. Thats a lie I do know, I dreamt about the future, only problem is that future is upon me now and I dont know what to do. Who knew that this would be my big dilemma? I dont know what im doing next I know where Id like to "be" as in marriage/kids/career all that jazz, I guess I just never thought about the steps to get there?????But I have, I just feel as if I've lost all of those somehow. I want to sit and watch tv shows and listen to loud music forever!
    Just last week I was so happy that who I was, was Livvy's birth mom and Im not in anyway saying im not happy about that anymore, I just feel like im losing that already? Not the happiness from it, but that person......Im having an internal debate about who I am because "that girl" and "the new girl" are having a hard time figuring out how to co exist. There are parts of me from before I want to keep, parts I want to get rid of (like why in the world do I still find guys with tattoos, guys with motorcycles, or big trucks, "the bad boys" attractive????I really want that to go away), and parts I want to completely forget about. There are some parts im ok with keeping around, maybe even bringing back parts I lost (like dancing, some days thats all I can think about how alive I felt when I danced). But how do you do that? HOW? Im still a bit frustrated theres no handbook for these kinds of things. I just want to escape...........but what am I trying to escape from?

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Monday, September 20, 2010

Olivia Lea Barry (part 3)

    So maybe I wont write as much as I thought I would at first. Partially because I feel like im already forgetting things which is no bueno so I better hurry. (No im not forgetting the most important or special moments).
        I said I would write about the adoption portion of the whole expereince later so thats what ill write about this evening. I really dont even know where to start.......I mean I think in previous posts (like months ago) I expressed how I knew adoption was the best choice for everyone involved. Through out the months of what I look at as waiting, I always felt peaceful that choice and even more peaceful when I found Amy and Vaughn and choose them as the adoptive parents. Honestly I still feel a little weird about calling them adoptive parents because I feel so strongly that they are Livvy's parents, the people she was always meant to be sealed to. I think knowing early on and feeling so strongly that I was making the right choice made it a lot easier (I hate using that word because no it wasnt an easy thing, but it was too right to not go easily or smoothly is a better choice of words).
     I had written out a plan of how I wanted everything to go down. My case worker kept letting me know that I pretty much had the power and that everyone would listen to me, or he would make them more or less haha. So that was comforting knowing what I said would go, so wrote out what I wanted to happen. Gave one to my parents, sent a separate one to Amy and Vaughn, and also wrote out one for the Dr. and nurses which I didnt end up giving to them (which was fine it all went well). One specific thing I had written was that I didnt want to see Vaughn and Amy in the hospital, just picturing it in my head was almost too painful. Surprise to me I completely changed that while in the hospital. I also said I didnt think I wanted to feed Livvy or hold her a ton........well guess who ended up in my room ALL DAY saturday haha Livvy. I wouldnt have had it any other way. Also when it was time to go home and Vaughn and Amy were at the hospital I told everyone I wanted them to come in. Which was just so perfect and sorry but I'm saving that part to myself :D I just really surprised myself with how strong I was that whole day and especially that night. It was so "easy" to see them holding her and putting her in their car. It was just right!
          Saturday I did have a moment of weakness when I thought I couldnt see them in the hospital. I had a really good close friend call me and leave a message (there was no way i was going to answer the phone that day). All he said was congratulations, i love you, and hope all is well. Ive known him for at least 10 years and consider him a really close friend and appreciated the call. So my thought process went something like this; he's such a great amazing young man, the type of guy everyone should want to marry, I hope Livvy marrys someone like him..........RUSH OF EMOTIONS!!!!!!!!!!!! This was the first time that I had pictured her older than a day old, I had a hard time connecting the baby, her, and the thing that has been growing in my stomach for the last 9 months for the first day and a half. So the leap from her at a day old to her as a 20+ yr old was a bit emotional. I still hope and pray that she will marry the most amazing man ever (hm......i guess i should get married first eh?) but im not all sorts of emotional about it anymore.
     Once at home that night without Livvy is when I think everything really hit me. It was a huge feeling of abandonment. I know doesnt make sense right, its usually the one "left behind" or adopted who should be the one feeling abandonment (even though babies dont really know whats going on). I guess more of the feeling of loss. I still will occasionally get that feeling still, like if something goes "wrong" then I think oh I was she was here with me even just back inside of me......but then I realize shes in the right place and I can get through life on my own without a physical person "being there".
     Its an interesting expereince..... I cant even really explain the extent of it in words because a lot of it is feelings and not just everyday feelings. Ones that all come from a deeper place. I would go through all the pain again to have that one full day I had with Livvy. I couldnt be happier, or more blessed with where she is ending up. I thought the evening I said the "final" goodbye before she left california would be really difficult, but it wasnt as if I was loosing her. My Dad explained it well, its almost as if shes going to live with a relative which just goes to show the deep connection I have with her parents also. I hope Amy wont mind me sharing this, the night we left she very casually said "You know we're going to be next door neighbors in the celestial kingdom right?" and I sure hope we are! Im so grateful I've had the opportunity to start a relationship with the Barry family. Way too many blessings have come from this experience on all sides its almost not fair to other people. Needless to say Im handling the adoption rather well. Friday night I was getting ready to go to my cousins for a short visit and listening to music and I just became incredibly happy! Just had the biggest smile on my face and almost wanted to laugh because I couldnt have asked for this to go any better. And just a few short hours later I was driving around and starting crying and giggling at the same time because I was just filled with so much joy and appreciation for my life as well as Livvy's.
 There are going to be hard days, hard hours, and hard minutes......but its almost as if life has more of a purpose now. I know that im worth living for I know that, but now I have someone im so connected with worth living for. It almost makes it easier to make the right choices and do whats best for myself because im living for Livvy, because her life means everything to me. AGH weird how my perspective on life has changed in so many different ways. Its a great feeling!

Friday, September 17, 2010

Olivia Lea Barry (part 2)

Things No One Tells You About Pregnancy/Child Birth
(you didnt think i could get away without making a list did you?)
1. You may make it to 30 weeks with no strecth marks, but theyre just around the corner
2. Your body some how manages to run on little sleep, insomnia will find you
3. Child Birth isnt really all that bad (with an epidural)
4. You might actually like your delivery nurses
5. You will feel incredibly skinny even seconds after the baby comes out
6. No matter how many times you curse at your stomach and the stretch marks during the pregnancy, afterward you might actually smile when you see them afterwards
7. Someone should have told me not to complain so much, because once its over you'd give anything to go back in time
8. Your hair gets luscious, thick, and wonderful....cherish it while you can, you will loose hair in chunks afterward
9. Your stomach goes down quicker than expected as well as your weight 
The number 1 (well 10 in this list) thing I wish I would have known about before (is completely random but surprised the heck out of me) is 10 the "labor shakes"! No one said so when your in labor and having contractions its going to feel like someone shot you up with loads and loads of caffeine and your body will shake (like when you have a fever and you get the shivers really badly). The nurses did reassure me that this was normal, but still a little frightening (maybe thats because I got an epidural????? I dont know)

All in all I think I did enough reading, got enough advice, and listened well enough to expect most everything that happened during the pregnancy, labor and delivery. Cant thank Heavenly Father enough because I was so blessed with a smooth (and dare I say) easy pregnancy.

Olivia Lea Barry (part 1)

    So this is how its going to go down; considering I just gave birth my mind is all over the place. I had heard that your knowledge level drops once you have a baby. Not permanently but that everything is kinda mush mentally (and physically). Which is true I've hard a difficult time even reading 3 sentences because my brain is not wanting to comprehend anything. Because of that im not going to write down the whole 9 yards story in one post (this is also for your sake so hopefully I dont steal hours of your day), so im going to spread them out. I may even write 2 a day or whenever I think of something good to write about. I hope you all can follow along. Feel free to ask questions in the comments and ill write about them. I know this is sort of selfish but I really dont feel like telling everyone the story a billion times which is why Im sending you all to my blog to read about it.
40 weeks and 4 days this is actually what i was wearing when arriving at the hospital
       Lets see where to start? Thursday Sept 9 I told my mom we needed to go to the store to get a tight sports bra (since im obviously not breastfeeding) because I felt like it was coming soon. Especially since I was 4 days past my due date (which I had no problem complaining about, but now feel stupid for complaining). Later that day I went to the Dr.s where he told me my cervix was still shut and nothing was happening, so my hopes of delivering soon went down the drain pretty quickly, but I still hoped it would be soon. While hoping I did not imagine that Friday Sept 10 I would wake up to a contraction. I had been having some Wed and Thur but that was the first time so I figured they were Braxton Hicks contractions. But while sitting awake in bed as I got another contraction about every 15 min or so I started to realize that this actually might be it, yet still completely skeptical. Come 3am my Dad woke up walked by and asked what I was doing, I simply responded that I was packing (I had a bag all packed 3 weeks before I was due, but practically unpacked the whole thing because all the comfy clothes were in there, so i had to repack), luckily I had written out a list of things I still needed to pack, and of course my Dad didnt think twice about me packing.
     It was so difficult to tell if I was really in labor because with everything I had read false contractions, were practically the same as real contractions. Besides the fact the never having contractions before I did not know if they were contractions or my body messing with me. They were consistently irregular! I would have 3 in 5 min that didnt grow in intensity, or only 2 in 10 min that would get worse, and the darn book said to go into the hospital when your physician told you (i.e. once contractions are every 5 min or 3 min), too bad my Dr. didnt tell me anything since he didnt think the baby was coming anytime soon. So 445am comes along and my Dad gets up to get my brother up for seminary (yes he has early morning seminary because of band, i think hes insane) and I quietly "yelled" down the hall "DAD" (i felt like a little child again because i was too lazy/in pain to get out of bed) he came back and I asked him to get my mom (he said it took him a few seconds to realize why I was asking for mom in the middle of the night), who very quickly came into my room, so I nonchalantly asked what contractions felt like. 3 and a half hours later we were on to the hospital. I kept saying and thinking if they tell me Im not in labor, I will refuse to leave the hospital until I deliver this baby.
     Luckily once they finally checked me I was dilated 4cm! by 945 I was in my delivery room hanging out. My nurse came in and told me that the anesthesiologist was on his way. My Dr. (luckily is also LDS and is very understanding of the situation) had been at the hospital all night (he was the on call "no doc" doctor that night, and said that today was the busiest he had seen it in 13 years) and was there when I was walking to my room and he called for the anesthesiologist for me, since I had asked how early I could get one at a previous appointment. By 1045 I was all drugged up, dilated to 5cm and the Dr. broke my water.  
     To me it seemed like only an hour later, but it was probably 2-2 and half hours later the nurse came in and reprimanded me for not moving around. I just stayed on my back the whole time and she wanted me to be moving from side to side(she was actually a very funny lady and told me that she enjoyed potato chips and beer, I had to hold back my laughter when she said that). So she checked me said "well looks like youre going to have a baby", my initial thought "NO DUH!", but before what she said really registered a huge rush of emotions came over me and yes I wanted to cry. So when my mom came back in she thought I was crying so she started crying which tipped me over the edge and I really started crying and just pointed towards the door for her to leave. Not because I was mad but because a rush of adrenaline had set in and having my Mom there just made the emotions that much worse. So I "labored down" (dont ask me what that means because all I did was sit there for about 30 more min before pushing). So started the whole pushing process, and at one point the nurse said to another nurse "you need to go get the Dr. from the hall, or im going to be delivering this baby" Dr. walks in 3 contractions later Livvys born. So total 45 min of pushing which honestly it all went by way quicker than it really was(i wonder if it goes by that quickly for the nurses too because theyre busy or if its a drag because they do the same thing everyday?) So 3:24 September 10th 2010 Olivia Lea Barry was born, 7lbs 12oz 21inches long and gorgeous and perfect.
 I realize it was my baby(and Vaughn and Amy's) so me saying she was perfect is completely biased, but she really was. On the next few posts Ill have to share some of my favorite little quirks she already had that I just fell in love with. Dont get mad at me for saying this all you mothers out there, but delivery was honestly a thousand times easier than I ever expected. Yes I had an epidural and have no idea how women out there have natural births (I think I wouldve been cursing at the world if I had a natural birth), because even with the epidural towards the end I could feel some of my contractions that hurt like the early contractions which means they were way intense. I am swearing by epidurals and will gladly bring on the next one for my next pregnancy (please dont think that I am bashing any of you who have had natural births I actually gained a great deal of respect for you, I may still not understand your reasoning's, but the fact that you're willing to go through that much pain for your child is absolutely incredible and you have me beat in every area).
       Well I knew some of these posts would be long, because trying to condense 13 hours of labor into a few simple paragraphs is a bit difficult. I tried to leave out the super gory details in case a male happens to read this, but I have to problem letting you know the gory details if you want to know HAHAHA! And also I am doing well because I know youre all wondering. I am almost better now than I was 7 months ago. I dunno just happier, which is weird because Livvy isnt with me anymore, but I know that shes with her mom and grandparents right now sleeping, opening her big eyes, and getting cooed over which is comforting to think about. Ill write more about the adoption and my thoughts and feelings later, I might surprise a few of you!
     Thanks for all the love and support each and every one of you have given me. I know you have all been praying for me, because this process wouldnt have gone so smoothly without those thoughts and prayers. So a huge thank you, I truly feel completely indebted to the many people who have reached out. Just those tender mercies that are so easy to look past, a million thank yous. I cant even say it enough to express my gratitude. THANKS!

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Great Day!

Yesterday was such a fantastic day. Although I did receive an email from someone completely unexpected and it started to throw me into shamble, but somehow recovered from it quickly and smoothly. Just hope that doesnt happen again anytime soon, or ever for that matter.
There's nothing super special about my day yesterday, my dad had a business meeting, mom did the regular stuff, and I had a Dr. Apt (which i waited for, for an hour just for them to tell me come back tomorrow cuz he had to do an emergency c section). After which I went to wal mart and spent an hour looking at and for nothing pretty much. Bought some popsicles, one of which the flavor is awful! But the momma likes it, so she'll probably eat those ones. Also got 2 movies from redbox to bide my time while im up at all hours of the night. I got The Back Up Plan with Jennifer Lopez who im not a huge fan of, but seeing as how this movie was about pregnancy it was amusing, and I didnt even cry when the boy didnt want to leave, back out, and he actually wanted to take responsibility.......even though they werent his kids.....fancy that! And I got Date Night which looked hilarious, just not as funny as I thought it would be.......and I know my parents would not like it, too much crude/dirty humor for them I think. Oh maybe I should re evaluate what I watch too then.....shoot! Maybe it wasnt that great because im not obsessed with Steve Carrell? never really got into the whole office thing for some reason. But Tina Fey on the other hand, im a huge fan of! I am a fan of 30 Rock.........hilarious! Not sure why I got attached to that show and not the office, its got similar humor, just different. And wow what do you care hahahahaha!
I wish I could explain how great my day was yesterday. But there arent words to describe my moods, feelings, or anything. It was sort of overcast and as you all know I love rainy weather so maybe that had something to do with it? I wore my little maternity top (i some how managed only to purchase one) and a long sleeve super light thin cardigan.......pure bliss. Just made the whole day fantastic. Not to mention I started having more contractions :D Like ones where im walking through Wal Mart and have to stop walking because its so strong and hope that I dont have a funny look on my face. Now this morning I've been having them for about the past 2 hours maybe every 10 min or so, but still super irregular and I cant tell if theyre getting more intense or not yet. So yes I lost sleep over it, because I would probably be sleeping now otherwise, but if it means I could be in the hospital by tonight or tomorrow, bring it on!.........I think............

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Past Due!

                     So I have officially made it one day past my due date.......oh the joy! How can I put that more sarcastically? The past 2 days the question I've gotten most is "How are you feeling?" my response is fine. Because honestly I feel perfectly fine pregnant wise. But emotionally im so ready to be done! I mean of course im more that ready to be done physically also, but not because im uncomfortable. Whenever I tell someone I cant sleep they always assume its because I cant get comfortable. This couldnt be further from the truth. Anytime I lay down in my bed I fall in love with it all over again its so comfortable and my blankets are heavenly, along with the 5 pillows I have :D but actually falling asleep is absolutely impossible. So I guess yes after laying in bed for 2 hours not able to fall asleep it gets uncomfortable and I have to get up and start doing something. Anyone have any ideas why I cant fall asleep? Its like I have to get to the point of exhaustion before I can fall asleep, mind you thats usually about 330 am although its been getting progressively later......earlier?????about 530 am. so then what so I do the next day? sleep in until one because im exhausted! Except last night was awful woke up every 2 hours until about 830 and then every hour after that. I got up for about an hour at 11 and went back to sleep because I could hardly keep my eyes open. Anyway.........I was due yesterday, I have another Dr. apt on wednesday and im hoping to hear some good news. Like amazing, jaw dropping news like im at 3cm or something crazy like that. Meh I dont want to be induced! Except at the same time, whatever makes this go faster. I am ready.......sooooo ready to take these next emotions head on. Slap em in my face, shove them down my throat ready! because the quicker that happens the quicker I come back to reality. Then can I start figuring out life as it will be. I think im getting more selfish as I get closer to delivering.......hope thats a normal thing? All will come to a close sooner than Im expecting im sure.

p.s. if you've called me, texted me, or tried to contact me in anyway, yes im ignoring you and believe me when i say its nothing personal. as cliche as that sounds, im just not in the mood to really talk to anyone and go through the 9 yards of my life again. rehashing it just makes it that much harder. but i do truly appreciate the effort in contacting me and the thoughts. I truly do its crazy how many people in my life want to be there for me and i cant thank you enough. ill make it up to you one day because im sure not responding to you is not the greatest way to show my appreciation. im sorry but am grateful!

Thursday, September 2, 2010

18 Things You May Not Know About Me

        This is just another one of my glorious lists. I got the idea of thought from Naturally Nina my new blog crush. I have a new one about every other week, I love it, yet sometimes I think im following too many blogs. Some get old quickly too!
        This list is things you may not know about me........even if you are my best friend. Everyone has their own little secrets they keep. Obviously, people keep secrets....these arent real real secrets (because if they were why would I be telling you?) theyre just random things about me and my life that I dont think people know.

1. I had my first "real" pretend boyfriend in 4th grade and when I moved to CA I had to tell everyone about him
2. My favorite part about Grandma's house was the twin pops she always had
3. Even though I hate crying, give me a bag of chips, ice cream, cozy blanket, and a sappy girl movie I LOVE crying by myself
4. Guilty pleasure I have when it comes to shopping......organizing containers
5. I plan/re-plan/over plan my wedding every night while falling asleep
6. I prefer to drive barefoot
7. I'm tongue twisted.......literally
8. Im a quote-a-holic, im going to be one of those moms who has a billion quotes all over her house
9. I had my frist kiss New Years Eve 2005 when I was 15
10. I watched Yu-Gi-Oh in high school (my justification it was christophers tv and i didnt want to do homework)
11. I have probably had cheese cake as my birthday cake more often then normal cake
12. I got sent to the principals office in 3rd for yelling at my teacher
13. I love chewing on ice
14. I enjoy folding laundry
15. I was a classic skater for 2 years (like ice skating but old school 4-wheel skates)
16. I cut my own hair in high school
17. I broke my middle toe at my 8th grade graduation dance (I claim Heavenly Father was punishing me because I was only 13)
18. I couldnt think of another one, but it kills me to have odd numbers so this is #18

          Well maybe you learned something you didnt already know, maybe not. Nonetheless Im amusing myself. Woke up today and realized there was absolutely nothing to do, so this is better than nothing.  
(baby update, still closed tightly shut, no contractions, nada, doc says she weighs about 6 1/2-7lbs now, fasting on sunday if you want to join)

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Break Dancing Baby

               Can you believe it........39 weeks! Technically only 5 more days until my due, which honestly leave me a little disappointed. There have been so many other things in my parents life and others lives that seem to be putting me on the back burner with this whole actually going into labor thing. At our house we've just had so other issues that have needed to be taken care of and school for the little ones (my siblings thats what i refer to them as) just barely started so its getting into the swing and schedule of the school routine again. So here I am sitting on my butt hardly ever finding a comfortable position waiting for other things to pass so that I can actually go into labor. I mean I know that Heavenly Father knows what hes doing with when she'll arrive and everything, I think my mom would be stressed to the max if I went into labor she finished taking care of a certain issue. Besides im totally and completely biased to August and I want her to come in August (my birthday is in August), but today would be the last day, yet I know shes not coming. But I dont want to wait anymore! Yes im being utterly and completely selfish and am having a hard time with the shift being on me to other things I suppose. I think Heavenly Father is trying to teach me to be more patient, and this is not when i want to learn that lesson. wah wah poor me, I know right ;D
(Im huge! this is my "dont be seen in public belly" its awful im ginormous!)
 The past 3 weeks have been extremely odd. my sleeping habits are non existent! I cant fall asleep before 3 am EVER so of course in the morning what do I do? sleep in until 1 because I didnt get enough sleep, besides the waking up every 2 hours and at 630 having to eat something because i think i might die! its ridiculous! what am i suppose to be learning from that? nothing i suppose just that being pregnant is not fun. Maybe it wont be as bad when i have a husband i can complain to and pretend like he knows, or just get really mad at him for not knowing? and the kicking, Oh My Goodness, so ya know how at your Dr. apt they always tell you to check the baby, make sure theyre moving blah blah blah......i certainly do not have to check. She is constantly reminding me that shes their as if feeling like my ribs are bruised isnt enough. 1130 at night without fail she gets the hiccups, how in the world to you get rid of not yet born babies hiccups? its so annoying and weird. I swear shes made of 5 feet, 10 heels, 4 knees, and 6 elbows that she like to sprawl out as shes turning on her head. All I know is that Amy and Vaugh better but this child in dance lessons quick because she will not stop moving! Although I have to admit thats probably the best and worst part of the whole pregnancy thing. Its kinda neat to feel her and than to actually recognize when its her foot or elbow, yet at the same time pure torture because its uncomfortable. Sometimes I wonder why Heavenly Father choose to make pregnancy a bitter sweet experience. my emotions of course are wacked! ive been so bitter lately towards people i do not need to be bitter towards! this is certainly a test in relying on the Lord because I know that if i dont pray that i would just stay bitter and angry. i practically break down every other day.....thats a lie, i can feel myself breaking down and somehow always talk myself out of it. I really do hate crying for no reason its so stupid. As much of a hermit as I am now, I think I will be even more of a hermit afterwards?????? who knows??????I really dont want to think about any of it I just want it to come so I have to deal with it, and then get over it! PERFECTION! Has that ever happened to anyone? Youre ready to put the past behind you and move on until you realize that what youre trying to move on from is still in the future? Totally dont understand how those feelings work either. Last Wednesday when I went to the Dr. I was hoping he would tell me I was like at least 2cm dilated or some good news, but NADA! my cervix is still completely shut, but her head is already down, Ive hardly had any contractions........why why why? Meh I know why I just enjoy complaining. and although I think I know why that doesnt meant I know when she actually will be coming. After thrusday I know my families schedule "clears up" so hopefully after than. I go in again Wednesday and before he told me that if i pass my due date they wont induce me until im 41 weeks. Well if tomorrow nothing has happened still I plan on telling him to schedule when I will be induced because it'd be nice to have that happen at 41 weeks and not any later. We'll see its funny someone asked me if I was nervous for the labor and delivery thing (someone who has never been pregnant asked) and I said no, because theres no point in being nervous or scared for it besides getting myself worked up. I have to go through it one way or another so why bother being nervous? The thought kinda made me grimace. But I've come to the conclusion she asked the wrong question because there is one thing I am nervous and scared about.......its not the epidural, not the possibility of a c-section, not scared that there will be complications, but I am terrified to get induced. What the heck? so of course naturally she doesnt want to come out and ill probably be late and have to get induced. Why im so scared of that I think its the though of having a needle somewhere it should not be allowed, needle in my back no problem, but there ick! It freaks me out, so still i am praying that i dont have to be induced. I know its all going to be all sorts of painful and afterwards I am going to bawl my eyes out because of my horribly altered body (how in the world to get a "single" body back?) but Ill live, I just do not want to be induced! Meh! this whole post has been lots of complaining huh? im sorry, and im going to justify that by saying it comes with the territory! Well maybe ill post again before she comes? well i probably will i need to not get my hopes up too much. Anyway cant wait to get back to life although I have no idea what life that is. Its all an adventure right? Peter Pan should change his saying from "to die would be a great adventure" to " having your life thrown upside down and going through a pregnancy would be a great adventure" hahaha!

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

I Want It!

These items I really want! Why I go looking online at clothes while im pregnant is beyond me, and worst looking with no money. But nonetheless I enjoy looking and window shopping I suppose.
I especially love the shoes. Ya know the shoes that are only about 115$ minus taxes and shipping and all that jazz :( Just thought I'd share! Ill have to go on a shopping spree sometime after and I get my body back! And yes I will get my body back because I will have time to do two-a-days!!!!!!!!!

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Ten Toes and 36 Weeks

        Hello all! So while at Disneyland my cousin had her toes painted. The glitter toes things thats getting more popular now and I got super jealous. Of course looking at my half painted toe nails that needed to be cut did the trick. Unfortunately I dont have glitter toes so I didn't really do anything about it until yesterday. My mom gave me back all my nail polish that I had let my sister use for her birthday party like 2 months ago. So I decided to just paint them, not expecting it to be difficult, I paint my nails all the time no problem. Started on my left foot and was like oh crap this is going to be harder than it looks. Having a tiny foot jammed into your rib while painting your nail isnt so pleasant. Boy the things we do for beauty. Painted them successfully and than found my lil sisters stash of nail polish (I just gave her about 12 of my nail polishes I never use, or the crappy stuff since I buy the O.P.I. Stuff now). Anyway she had a glitter nail polish that I opened to see how glittery it was (mine just do a thin coat of a little glitter) and hers was a lot more glittery so I used it (dont tell her). I had to do about 3 coats of it, but total succcess!
I am very pleased and yes took a picture of them to show you. Also to show off my tan line, that I can see a lot better in person than in the picture. This proves that Elizabeth Berlin is capable of getting tan! Bet ya never thought that would happen! Im proud of it as small as it may be. Look hard, but its a tan line from my wonderful flip flops, and with only 2 full days in the sun. Its the silly little small things that make me so happy.......or im just easily amused. 
       So onto more present things! I am officially 36 weeks. EEEKKK! 4 more weeks to go, its on to the count down.Yes I have a basketball under my shirt, thats totally what it tooks like huh? Im grateful I havent gained weight anywhere else. When I went to the Dr.s the other day he said her head is already down at my cervix. YAY! But im not dialated yet......blerg! Thats good though ya? Still hoping and praying to be like 2 weeks early wouldnt mind earlier though haha. The funny thing is everyone is like well ya anyone whos pregnant wants it to come earlier. Im not wanting her to come earlier because im tired of being pregnant (although every other night actually sleeping is interesting) im wanting her to come earlier so I can get on with my life. Yes I know thats being selfish, but its about time to be selfish ya? Im trying to justify it haha! I dunno just looking at the time line and possibly going back out to Utah and getting a job would be a lot more difficult mid october opposed to mid september. We'll see about the money situation though. Never got my check from Chili's and cant decide if its worth it to go through all the hassle. And my tax money or what not, I still havent done my taxes dont worry I filed for an extention I just need to do it soon. Im blabbing on yay me! So ultimately im ready for the next trial and tired of this waiting game! Bring It On!

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Disneyland : Through the Eyes of a Pregnant Woman

So I have to admit I hate being referred to, or referring to myself as a woman. I have never liked that word for some reason? I would prefer lady or even girl, no im not 8 but yes science has told me I am a girl so why not use it. But for this title I thought it appropriate to use woman, im still sort of in limbo I suppose. Im only 20, well 21 in a few weeks (and yes I already wish I could go back in time, being younger you dream about your future but never imagine yourself actually getting older) and I obviously feel that there is a certain level of maturity that comes with being pregnant. Yes im choosing to go the adoption route which some may see as me not taking responsibility for my actions, whatever! and im still really young. At the same time I think im being completely responsible and dealing with my actions to the best of my knowledge and feelings. More or less what im getting at is although I dont like the word woman or women, Im growing up faster than I can count. You never really see that so I think its kind of neat that through this waiting process I am able to see the subtle changes it has on me.
Again with my tangents! Blerg, sorry!
So went to Disneyland and had an absolute blast, yes I had a blast even though I couldnt go on the big rides. Funny thing when I went in to my doc apt the other day he told me i couldve gone on splash mountain because it doesnt really have an affect because your sitting by yourself. I have no idea how scientifically or medically it made sense but I was like oh well probably wouldnt have gone on it anyway. Not a big fan of splash mountain, though not opposed to it. Anyway went on Autotopia and afterwards my cousin was like did you see the no pregnant people sign? Obviously I had not, but no one stopped me my first thought was really out of all the rides at Disneyland they decide that Autotopia is possibly dangerous? Probably shouldnt have gone on Peter Pan in that case, I mean it does and a little dip and is a bit jerky! I was perplexed.
Well I know I made my last post a picture post, but do you really expect me to go to Disneyland and not take pictures? So im posting a bunch or random pictures, possibly a video if I can figure out how to make it work. This is my disclaimer. In my last post I put up pictures of family members and might have mentioned names, im sorry if this made you uncomfortable (no one has told me it had but just in case) for lack of a better word. So im putting up more pictures and I will try not to use names, if I do put up pictures of your siblings, parents, children, spouse, or someone you think may not want there picture up and Ill take it down I have no problem with that. I wouldnt want to put anyone in danger ya know. Just let me know! 
Tarzan tree house, I remember the Swiss Family Robinson tree seemed way more fun, but maybe that because im older now and dont appreciate fake wholes in trees?

Arent both of these girls gorgeous? I think so, they both have breathtaking eyes....im jealous! 
Monsters Inc. ride. how I got them to take a picture is beyond me
Monsters Inc. ride again, the glow in the dark ones are so fun
Part of the gang waiting in line for Midway Mania the Toy Story ride at California Adventure.....BEST RIDE EVER! I beat my guy cousin the first time, BOOYAH!
Disney's version of a rave! Haha they called it the Glow Fest, actually pretty cool very bright, fun music. Although they were selling beer in the middle of the street which is something I've never seen Disney do, but I think they were trying to target the older crowd although I'd say it was more or a teen ish thing? 
High light of California Adventure, their new World of Color performance. It was absolutely incredible! Completely and utterly puts the Bellagio to shame! I like it better than Fantasmic over at Disneyland and that could possibly be because I've seen Fantasmic 5+ times. Anyway just incredible if you go, do not pass this up although dont stand near the front. Afterwards we walked up to the front and the whole area was completely soaked!
This one is sweet because it looks like the water is swirling around......in the air
This one is cool because its so clear (my camera has issues sometimes) and yes its on water
You can really see the laser in this one
You cant have a Disney show without a little/a lot of fire, we were pretty far back and could feel the heat from the blasts!
video
So I hope this video of the show worked, its pretty spectacular!
I tried to lighten this the best I could sorry
Sad day, its the last day and somehow we still had energy to keep going
Sometimes it amazes me how long my hair is, although I need a cut badly. Unfortunately for me I choose to leave my hair stylist in Utah hahahah!
On a few of the bigger rides I would watch the littlies because it made sense if someone had to sit out anyway why not watch them ya know? I was perfectly ok with it got some weird looks since im pregnant and look really young and than it looks like I also had another kid, it was amusing! Besides I'd be proud if my kid was this adorable! So ya I had fun playing peek-a-boo and keeping occupied while waiting.
My FAVORITE part of Disneyland! besides my favorite rides which are Peter Pan, Pirates, and Indiana Jones. I love walking down main street seeing all the people walking and smelling the wonderful smells! 
So as a pregnant person I learned California Adventure has nicer bathrooms, but at Disneyland if you want a nice one its sort of behind Autotopia next to the imaginears building inventing building thing. Worth walking to! Best place for cold water is at the Critter Country food place? Its next to Pooh Bear across from splash mountain, but you have to go to the bottom level drinking fountain. It was ridiculously cold I was impressed. In California Adventure the best bathroom is sort of over by the Bug Life Land but in the eating court next to it, its right next to the only chinese food place in the park! Funny thing about this whole being pregnant at Disneyland was the first day was the worst. Like killer! We got there at probably 1030 11ish and didnt leave until the park closed. I did have an awful sleep the night before which im sure played a part in it, but I know that at 930 I wanted to cry I was so exhausted and my feet hurt. So I said maybe we'll get a wheel chair for tomorrow or something. So the next day I wore my flip flops first instead of wearing my tennis shoes than switching to flip flops and I never changed out of my flip flops, I swear by Rainbows expensive, but so worth it I have 2 pair 1 I've had since my sophmore year of high school and one thats about 2 years old. I wear them constantly! BUY SOME! its worth the 40 bucks youll spend. After the second day we took a break day and went back on saturday which again I was fine and my feet hurt less the last day than they did at the end of the first and second day? myabe my body just needed to adapt? im not sure but I thought It was crazy. I was so glad to go back to Disneyland and make new memories since the last time I went was with mr. irresponsible (thats what I know call him I think it fits well :D) and who better to go with than my immediate family, and my extended family who love Disneyland, it was fun finding some of the hidden mickeys and all! I seriously cannot wait to go back already. I know I talk about Disneyland often but its because I have yet to have a bad experience I mean yes I have memories that hurt now because of life choices and all but all in all each time I go its a blast! Now I want to go Christmas time to Disneyland, been to DisneyWorld Christmas time, but I prefer Disneyland (everything is closer I dont have to go to 3 different parks to go on the rides I like) so I cant wait to see what it looks like! When I go ill let everyone know so you can all come with me:D This is worlds longest post and im not going to apologize because it makes me "high happy" writing it, so ill apologize if you didnt get to read it all because its too long;D Thanks for reading!