Monday, May 31, 2010

Nascar 101

So while driving today, my car was driving really smoothly around turns and even when I put the brake on it was just smooth. I love that! Just you have complete control you the car and yet its perfect! Another one of my favorite things is to drive fast. Im not sure if many of you knew that, but I love it. I really want to learn how to drive stick because than I will have even more control of the car. The only thing that I dont like about my enjoyment I get from driving fast is I can never drive fast enough. I mean on the freeway when its just me and I feel the need to go like 15 or 20 its all fine and dandy, but I still want to go faster! Yet I could get in a lot of trouble for going even 20 over the speed limit. So I usually dont do that, although I would love to. Im not sure if its the adrenaline rush I get from driving fast because its not even a huge rush or anything. Its just another one of those things kind of like dancing I suppose where I can just escape reality (but still pay attention to the road). Its more enjoyable when theres no music at all even. Just me, my car, and occasionally the wind blowing my hair as if it were in a tornado. I hardly get in this mood when others are in the car with me, so dont be afraid to drive with me, although I know I tend to be a paranoid back seat driver, so I deserve the same reactions out of others since I give them so interesting reactions ha. I want to drive Nascar! how awesome would that be. Kinda like that one girl, the Go Daddy girl. Or thats who sponsors her car except she usually drives the smaller cars with no top oppose to a normal nascar car. I forgot her name its on the tip of my tongue UGH! Well if you dont know who im talking about im sure you can look her up if you really want to. Since this "dream" (fake dream I hardly consider it one I will go chasing after) is far from reality, my next goal to accomplish this desire (thats a better fit word for it) is to marry someone who races cars. And we can go to the race track and I can drive as fast as I want! eeeekkkk!!!! How exciting would that be. If I cant have that than maybe just date someone who does, or even just go on a date to a race track. Not a fake race track either, like a legit one. haha well I just thought I'd share, and figured it was time for a semi shorter post. But dont worry I can feel a super long one awaiting more time and thought. Thanks for reading!

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Livvy's First Onesie

         Ok so my mother tracked me down yesterday "because I looked cute" to take a picture of my bump......and my face, (as Im sure youve noticed) ive only been taking pictures of my stomach so far. But I had really red eyes and im making a weird face, so I cut my face off! but ill post it because im wearing a tighter shirt so you can actually see the bump, I actually think its grown since last week.UGH! This is 25 1/2 weeks.
 So on an earlier post I had posted a pink onesie I saw on etsy.com and I mentioned I wanted to do that. So yesterday I went to wal mart and bought 2 onesies (newborn ones) Theyre long sleeve and I know shes due at the beginning of Sept, but I mean itll get colder soon after so I figured it'd be ok, that and they didnt have a 2 pack of short sleeved ones, only 5 packs.
This is the one I made! It actually took a lot longer than I think it shouldve, and not as neat as I would have liked it, but thats ok it was my first try and I wanted to get it done the day I started it. I love the fabric of the kite, you cant really see the print since its so tiny, but the whole piece of fabric is adorable.

This is a little better of the fabric. I even did the whole blanket stitching thing around the edges :D Im kinda proud of myself. Dont tell anyone but I sort of enjoy being "domestic", for those of you who knew me in High School know that I wasnt a huge fan of Young Womens because they always drilled it into your head that you had to become a "homemaker", I hated that word and I still hate that word. But I do enjoy doing things "homemakers" do. I think I like it better because I dont have someone harping on me to become that. Besides I add my own little twist to it haha. I also think im going to make a little skirt out of the same fabric as the kite it I have enough! How cute would that be?????? And I still have one more onesie to do whatever I want to it. I like this, having something semi productive to do during the day :D

Monday, May 24, 2010

Intoxication

Hey hey its my favorite day of the year, and it was pretty much a crappy day. This past week has just been nothing but crappy. Im hurting physically, emotionally, and mentally and I just want to be done. Greg wrote back to my email, so clearly he didnt get the point that im completely done with him, aka I dont want to be his friend. And Im starting to get FAT. I know in the picture I posted it doesnt look like it, but I can feel and see it in the mirror. I guess these last 3 months are just going to be way harder than expected. I should never expect something to go a certain way, thats usually when something goes wrong.

So since I've been so focused on whats been going wrong lately and how life just completely sucks I've decided im going to try and make a list of my old passions, goals, the little things that use to make me happy that I've lost sight of. The things I want to get back, the little pieces I feel like people have taken away from me ya know. Since this whole experience is in one way or another about rediscovering myself, why not have the things I want back written out for once. Instead of pondering about them daily. Hopefully this will help me towards my ultimate goals. Although I still feel as if I cant accomplish a lot if anything until Livvy is born, at least I'll have it to look at.

1. Dancing; I've never been the "best" dancer, but I know I had talent and more importantly I remember the way it made me feel. I hate getting up in front of big crowds, but if im dancing on a stage, it doesnt matter. The clapping, chanting, cheering, smiles of the people just keep me going. Who cares if Im on stage with 20 other girls im still making other people happy. By that im making  myself happy. I havent danced for 3 years now and all I want to do right now it DANCE! its the one place I can escape to that no one else can come into. Im obssessed with Peter Pan im not sure why but I am. My favorite quote is "second star to the right and straight on to morning", aka Neverland. Dancing is my neverland. No one can touch me, hurt me, discourage me, im free to do, feel, say, express how and what I want. But my fear holds me back! Since I havent danced in 3 years I feel like I've lost it, and its been probably 4 or 5 years since I've studio danced, like technique dancing and all so my confidence in my ability is close to gone. Then when I think about going back to UVU and taking dance classes I freak out! Because I know of a few girl who take classes there and I dont want to be in a class they might be in for fear of judgement? im not really sure what scares me about that, but I'd rather take a class where I know no one! If I had it my way I would take private lessons for a while. Build back up my confidence. It would be my dream to go dance on So You Think You Can Dance. I dont even want to make a full career out of dancing, but I know I love it. I love it because I love the way it makes me feel. The way I feel motivated and like I can conquer the world when im dancing. I just want to start dancing again.


2. Cosmetology; I love doing hair, I love doing my own hair, I love looking at pictures of hair and analyzing hair. But like dancing my confidence level isnt there. Ive always felt like my friends never thought I was good enough at hair which is why I never do their hair, or get asked. Its a tricky business too because its a "fake it till you make it" type of business. I know hair, I do I went to too much schooling to throw it all away. Whenever I go into a salon thats super fun, and chic I die. Its like new paint brushes to an artist, or chocolate mousse to a pastry chef. Just like a kid in a candy store, I want to eat it all up. The atmosphere just does something to me that makes me want to faint its so fantastic. The smell of bleach, color, shampoo, conditioner, mixed with quats and sometimes burning hair. I love it all, I just want to be in that enviornment 24/7. I shouldve had more confidence in myself right out of hair school and gotten into a salon quickly instead of doing whatever I did and loosing confidence. So working in the type of atmosphere I want to work in, terrifies me. I just want to be able to see the look on someones face after just recoloring and cutting their hair. The satisfaction and happiness is so apparent on their face. Thats why I want this assisting job so badly although its not looking so great. Being able to change someones day by simply doing their hair is such a great feeling. Youre proud of yourself because if they like it, you know you did your job well and that makes it all worth it.

Overall I think Im just a scared person. Scared to take those steps into the unknown that I talked about in a previous post. Too scared and not enough confidence! I need to do something about that, not sure how Im going to achieve that, but I've got to. These things just make me feel invincible. Which makes no sense at all, I just know that besides the gospel these are the things that intoxicate me. They make me want to be me!

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Email is A Wonderful Thing

So tonight was epic! But not it the way you usually think of the word, it wasnt very exciting, more so releasing. Tonight I wrote the infamous boy of my life (Greg if you didnt catch that) an email. Usually we just text and more often than not theyre what I call "hate texts" from me. I felt justified in sending them at the time. Who can really blame me?

Well a readers digest version of the email; Told him how I didnt understand what he'd done, and how he claimed to have loved me, that im tired of feeling like hes my responsibility and how im suppose to make sure he goes through all the pain and suffering im going through. But thats ridiculous its just another way he has a hold on me. So im ready to let go, no I didnt need to tell him that, but I also needed him to know that Im sorry. Sorry for putting him through this because I am partly responsibly and shouldve been the one to stop certain things from progressing. More so not respecting covenants hes made with the Lord. Than I tried with everything I have to help him understand how important it is for him to be at the hospital for Livvy when shes born. than continued to apologize and wish him the best of luck in life. Kind of a harsh email, but a long awaited one. Dont worry I let him know I was doing it for myself (past experince has shown that they will call you out on it, as if its a bad thing)

To me its just another step in the whole forgiving myself process, because how can I forgive myself if I cant forgive the other person. Its a lot easier to forgive them than to forgive myself. Although that doesnt mean that all my pain will be gone, it just means I can forget about him! More or less anyway in the sense that I have a physical attachment to him. Its now gone because I choose to make it disappear. What im getting at because im sure this doesnt make sense, is I feel good! Who knew watching the season finale of Grey's Anatomy would do this? It was an eventful night that has left me with a feeling of peace. Kinda like I just made another check on my check list. Next thing..........Get this baby out of me! (Blerg! 3 more months).


Thought I'd share my little bump! I'll be 25 weeks on Monday. If you cant see the pooch your crazy, well I can see it, feel it, and its starting to get in the way (2 weeks and my skirts and my true religion jeans wont fit anymore:( how sad). I've gained about 10-12 lbs so far......I just hope my face doesnt get super fat!

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Life As We (Don't) Know It

     Ok so I dont have anything specific to blog about. Just more about life I guess, a look into my life and whats been happening I suppose. I feel like a lot has happened since I last wrote, but nothing too huge, things I would consider exciting I suppose.

    Lets see where to start...........um........thursday a good friend got home from his mission. Super exciting, yet I was a little nervous. Same reason I've been nervous to go hang out with people is not knowing if they know or not. The unknown! (this is random, but if anyone were to ask me what my biggest fear is it would have to be the unknown, and getting hurt emotionally) But I went and saw him saturday night at him open house thingy that his parents had for him and when we walked in he came up behind me and gave me a big hug. Like not just any old hug, a hug thats really sincere and means something ya know? The night went on and people came and went so I didnt have tons of time to talk to him. So that night I think I stayed practically the whole time and helped clean up at the end just because im super close to his wonderful mom, shes one of my best friends. Anyway so as I was walking to my car and could hear ppl talking because he had walked his "girl person, use to date, shes all over him, calling dibs, freaking him out friend" to her car. I had kind of wished I hadnt walked out at that moment just cause it couldve been an awkward situation but it wasnt, I over think things all the time. So he came up to my car and we talked for a little bit. It was such a good talk too! You know those people you havent seen in a while but you can pick back up where you left off? He's like that, which is such a great quality and characteristic to have especially in a guy. He's still the same guy I knew 2 years ago, just a much happier version. And I already thought he was the happiest person I knew before he left! Anyway the big thing I remember from that night is I made the comment about making big mistakes (earlier in the house I was talking to his mom and sisters about being pregnant, so if he didnt know before he knew now) referring to the whole being pregnant thing. He very normally said "well everyone makes mistakes" Im not sure what I was looking for by saying that, or even how it came up in the conversation but the fact that he was so quick to answer and super sincere about it was just a great feeling. I knew I didnt need to worry about anything because he's a return missionary and has a better understanding of the atonement especially right now, but to hear him actually acknowledge that was just special to me. He didnt have to say it, but you could tell he had a great testimony of it by the way he answered by ridiculous statement! I mean just so sincere and forgiving I want to say, and he doesnt have anything to forgive me for ya know? But the fact that he could before I've even gone through the complete repentance process was just such a ray of hope for me. Because it showed me that I can have that! There will be someone who will "forgive me" per se after the repentance process because thats not who I will be. Heavenly Father will have forgotten, so a man with a great understanding and testimony of the atonement will also. I know ill cross that bridge when it comes too, but just a glimpse of the happiness I will have in my future left me with a huge smile on my face the whole way home! And then I fell in love with him!!! Hahahaha I wrote in my journal that night that I could marry him, but more so him as in the man he represents to me. They type of man I would want in my life forever. Not literally marry him him! Im not sure how to explain that??????I hope you catch my drift and dont run off and tell him im madly in love with him and want to marry him......thats creepy and not what I mean at all.

    Grrrrr, I write too much! but im not going to stop :D So today I went into a salon in sac. to apply for an assisting program. My friends girlfriend works there and she loves it! and its super cute, very personable, and everyone seems so happy and willing to help. Anyway the program is a year long and I still dont really know if im staying here or moving back to Utah or whats going to happen with my life. I really really really want this job and think it would be a wonderful opportunity, but if I have to sign a year contract I dont know if I'll take it or not. Mostly because I havent made up my mind. I mean I want to take it even if I dont know what im doing, but thats not fair to the employer if I dont stay a year ya know? What do you think? I really want this job, my confidence in doing hair isnt as high as I want it to actually work in a salon and be dedicated to getting my own clients. Its been such a long time since I've been in school and I only do hair on the side right now, which isnt often enough to have complete confidence in what I'm doing. Well it'll all work out! I'm trying this new taking a few steps into the dark thing and letting Heavenly Father lead me. Im so use to always having control of my life and determining where it will go next. I've come to the conclusion that im completely lost right now and cant make choices like that for myself without the Lords help. Mostly because I want to do what will lead in a positive direction and head down the path im meant to go. The path he's made for me. This will be an adventure. My dad recently told me that when I was bugging him to give Greg the ok to ask me to marry him he was praying and his answer was more or less "everything will be fine". So of course he assumed that meant everything would be fine and work out with Greg. So when everything went down it was a big shock for him to realize that Heavenly Father wasnt specifically meaning everything would be fine with Greg, but rather everything will turn out alright in the end. So this whole experience is a testimony builder for more people than just me. Which is ultimately why I've decided to take the PLUNGE of faith (this is no leap for me).

    Anyway here's my most recent favorite scripture Ether 3:14   "Behold I am he who was prepared from the foundation of the world to redeem my people. Behold, I am Jesus Christ, I am the Father and the Son. In me shall all mankind have life and that eternally, even they who shall believe on my name; and they shall become my sons and my daughters."     Its a good one no? I've also decided that the brother of Jared is my new favorite Book of Mormon story. Neat huh?
Thanks for reading!

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Celebrity Crushes

I know im writing new posts all the time, so some of you have a lot of reading to do. Im just bored out of my mind and check my email and facebook a trillion times a day and this is an alternative to that. So the more comments the better hahaha!!!!! But ya so as I was doing nothing online the other day I decided to find pictures of my celebrity crushes. For no good reason, but now that reason has become to share with you all. So thats exactly what Im going to do (I dont have celebrity crushes on women, so its only men)
David Boreanaz he's on the tv show Bones right now he play Seely Booth and they call him Booth which is kinda hot for some reason, apparently he was on Buffy the Vampire Slayer also, but I never watched that I was too young. Plus looking at pictures of him from it, he wasnt very attractive than. He's a lot finer now. I dunno got that cute innocent boyish look but still a mans man if you know what im trying to say.


GAH! someone pinch me! If you dont find Ryan Reynolds attractive than I dont associate with you. he's so attractive; looks good clean cut and scruffy (my favorite). Not to mention he has the most amazing abs in the world. Which isnt what makes me most attracted to him, but lets me honest it doesnt bring his points down. I havent seen him in a ton of movies I think I've only seen him in like 2, but ever since The Proposal (which is hilarious, my fav part is Sandra Bullock singing in the forest with Gammy) he's been on my list.
Last but not least, Eric Bana! Come on he's just got that smile that says "come fly away with me I will hold you and make all your cares and worries disappear" or you hear a Michael Buble song playing in the background(I wish every guy came with a song to let you know their character). Again I think he looks best partially scruffy, but looks good clean shaven. Kinda got that fatherly look to him(maybe cuz he's old enough to be my dad), but its so comforting?????I dunno im probably crazy.

So if you cant tell im missing being having a guy and being in love and all those fun feelings. HAHA thats why we have celebrity or just any old crush right? The funny thing to me though is that I dont think I have ever dated a guy who looks anything similar to these guys. I mean i've dated decently tall ppl, but they all tend to have light brown hair (or red i suppose). I mean im not complaining if I come across a Ryan Reynolds look alike and end up marrying him, psh I dont think anyone would be complaining. My Dad always tells me I can do better (usually after a relationship is over and its what he's suppose to say), and sometimes I actually believe him. I mean of course he's taken more into it than just looks but looks have a play in it. Sometimes I think my Dad gives me too much credit for how attractive I am, but I do know that when I believe him, like truly believe him I feel so happy and great because not only do I believe it, but someone else recognizes it. For instance like when you look in the mirror sometimes after you're done getting ready and you just think you look so great. The best you can look! You're just beaming and you feel good about yourself and that comes across on your face for everyone to see (this usually happens to me when I have nowhere to go). You just soak up those minutes and if you pass a mirror....sure why not do a double take of yourself, you're freaking hot, who cares if someone else catches you and they think your vain. Your not because this isnt a daily occuring thing haha. Anyway know I feel like I should be a narrator for some fashion/self image movie.

My celebrity crushes are wonderful. Yes I miss being in love and having someone to hold me and help me through the hard times. I mean who doesn't miss or want for that? But we all have those days and a new one, better one will come along......Maybe on that day, you'll meet prince charming, who knows? Wishes can come true (and you should believe me of all people that they do). Thanks for reading again.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Picture This

 
So freaking awesome! Its just a stack of garbage, but the shadow in the background??????It blows my mind, I think I have patience, but its a good thing im not an artist. My artwork would be crap I would get too distracted to stay dedicated to something so intense! Who wouldve thought?

Monday, May 10, 2010

I Can't Think of an Exciting Title (the guy, lake, Livvy?)

Ok so I just finished writing a post that I decided I probably shouldnt post. It was a very heartfelt hate post to say the least. Im just having a hard time with a comment my case worker made to me a while back. She said that he (hope you know who im talking about) is trying not to leave me feeling abandoned. But how can someone be more abandoned? I got pregnant (I know it takes two to tango so its my fault too), had my wedding called off (which is or should be every girls nightmare), have to live with the consequences of my actions on my body i.e. being pregnant and showing, him not willing to help in anyway, wont pay for bills my parents are paying for since I cant, and now the possibility of him not seeing his daughter ever. So not only do I feel abandoned he might abandon his daughter, which is or should be something hes more attached to than me. I just dont get how someone can be so disconnected from it....from reality. It bugs me that he got a "free pass". When do men ever really have to deal and live up to their actions that hurt other people. I realize he may be dealing with it in a different way, but if so, then SHOW IT!

So in a nut shell thats what the other post was about, just a lot harsher. Since I made this blog on where I dont vent Im going to try and stay strong to that. Its difficult, but I try to keep promises I've made to other people, so whats the point in breaking promises I make to myself?

So on saturday I went to the lake with two friends I hardly hang out with and that was fun catching up on old times. I wasnt even sure If I was going to go or not because at first it sounded like a lot of other people were going to go. Im at that stage, or well I have been since I found out I was pregnant, where I dont really want to do anything social. Im so anxious and fearful because I dont know if people know or not. It shouldnt make a difference but the fear of not knowing is scary, and to know that in a few weeks I wont be able to hide it at all is even more nerve wracking. Although I hear im pretty lucky to be 23 weeks and not really showing. So when I decided to go, and then after I had a good time I felt better. But im still anxious, a good friend of mine gets home from his mission on thrusday and for some reason that makes me nervous. I shouldnt be though, I mean who better to be friends with than a newly returned missionary who has (I assume) a strong testimony and understanding of the Atonement. Right so I should have nothing to worry about, hes just one of those friends that I feel like I've let down ya know? But in all reality if hes as good of a friend as im saying then it wont matter, and I need to keep moving forward, not be at a stand still with fear of the unknown. Blerg~ Im truly crazy arent I? haha!
So back to the lake lol, so I went and got really really really burnt! like so burnt I hardly slept saturday night because I couldnt figure out how to lay, especially since im not suppose to be laying on my back at this point. So its been rough but I have more freckles (barely) on my arm which means itll be somewhat tan, which is exciting news.....I just hope I dont peel. I tend not to, so lets hope for the best, although my skin is a little different now that im pregnant. When I shave my thighs I get really bad razor burn cuz it so sensitive. So like my legs are burnt which rarely happens so its all very interesting.

Ok so I was looking on etsy.com a wonderful sight I often look at for fun, and I was looking at newborn stuff. I know she wont be my child, but that doesnt mean I cant get her things:D so I was looking at a few things that I decided to share with you! Mostly because I know all of these are hand made so ideally I would want to make them myself, so if any of you know how to or ideas or anything let me know and that'd be great!
So of course I wouldnt make it actually, but the kite  part I could just sew on ya? I mean it looks pretty easy really so I probably dont need help figuring it out, just have really good sewing skills lol

Aren't these the cutest show ever? I mean you would have to do zebra print you could do whatever you wanted. There's gotta be a pattern or something for these because they're just fabric.
Also the other picture is a tutu, but the picture is horrible and I already know how to make them so I decided not to put it up. Anyway so im calling on you crafty people especially my family members, Katie, Eliza, Aunt Nancy. Help me out! 
Hope I did better at making this post more positive :D Im happy with how it turned out! Thanks for reading!

Friday, May 7, 2010

My Favorite Things

So I had a request to write more often which is ironic since at the beginning I was completely addicted. Well this person also inspired me for this post! Shes an AMAZING person not kidding......in all caps too:D

While pondering, thinking and doing all that fun stuff that goes on in my brain I realized that I have never explained my web address (is that what its called?) "WhitePaperPackages". It doesnt exactly make sense when the title of my blog is Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head.....but just wait itll make perfect sense once I tell you (go figure). So ya know the song from Sound Of Music? "raindrops on roses, whiskers on kittens, whitepaperpackages tied up with string"? Ringing a bell? So thats where I got it from because my blog is ultimately about my favorite things and the rain/dancing in/ singing in/walking in the rain is one of my absolute favorite things I thought it was very fitting to entitle my blog that. I hope you were able to follow that ridiculous explanation.

So my friend had a blog and listed 7 things you might not know about her. So I have decided to let you know some of my most favorite things/things you may not know about me. Believe it or not writing this blog makes me all giddy......the things that I like, I love because I really feel like they make me a part of who I am the parts I find most interesting, silly, hilarious, unique, bizarre, but absolutely wonderful. So more or less this post is to brag about myslef and how great I think I am. (see I am funny, which makes it funny.....you follow?) Oh and beware this could go on forever.

1. My favorite holiday is 4th of July; I think because we usually bbq and we're usually with family.

2. I LOVE birthdays! not only my own but anyone that I know. Especially when I have money, its the day you were born which is awesome and you turn a year older which may not be the fun part but its another year/great time to start fresh!

3. My favorite day of the year besides my birthday is May 24th dont know why but I love may and I love even numbers especially 24 (its my fav # if you didnt catch on), I would love to get married on that day, what a perfect day.Dont worry I have 5 or 6 years before it lands on a weekend.

4. A few of my favorite things to buy, like not just something to buy, but something that makes me high happy, or can make my whole week better; Mascara (I have only gotten the same one twice I always try new ones), new designer jeans, like 100+  (no its doesnt happen that often), new pajama/lounge wear bottoms, new blankets (mostly homemade ones especially ones from my mommy), picture frames/anything for interior decorating I love changing up my room, salt & vinegar chips random I know but I think they're sooooo good! Thats all I can think of now, but im sure theres more to come

5. The smell of the mens department at Nordstrom (thanks Dad)

6. I love that I ask my Dad for "fashion advice", besides the fact that he worked at Nordstrom for 10 years, who better to ask than your Dad. As weird as it may be to think he's a guy, just like the guys you want to date/marry so he lets me know if its something a guy would like, not really care what you look like that day, or if its ugly. But he puts it nicely

7. When my Mom and I carry on a real conversation especially if its something not important

8. I enjoy living vicariously through reality TV such as the bachelor/bachelorette.

9. My Puppy!!!!! he can be vicious and he barks a lot, but he's my baby. I got him for my 16th birthday and it seems like he's always there when I need him. He knows when Im crying and will let me hold him and sometimes snuggles with me. Yet he enjoys playing fetch and rolling around which is so adorable. He's cutest when he sleeps in a ball he curls up in.

10. I love daydreaming!!!!!! thinking up my next life plan, or planning my wedding, even what my future/dream house will look like.

11. I like that Im a big dreamer, I wish I would follow through with them more often, but im hoping someday ill get the hang of it and achieve all those things I dream up

 12. Like the fact that I have a list of baby names about 25 for both girls and boys. Most of them very unique and different also.

13. is my other favorite number its the only odd number I like and I like it because of the whole superstition thing I find it so fascinating and bizarre

14. Driving with my windows down when its a tad bit chilly and turning my heater on, i never want to own a car that doesnt have a sun roof

15. Like that I've lived so many different places

16. Think the world of my extended family! For the most part they always make me happy when im around them whether it be all of them, or just a few. I feel like I beam when im with them, we're just close knit and always enjoy each others company.

17.Love that my family play shanghi which I call the family card game! when we get together as a family your almost guaranteed to either have a bbq or play a game of cards.......Love It!

18. Enjoy the fact that my dad is very business oriented and has always talked real estate or finances with me. Its why my major is Business Management/Entrepreneurship. I like that I know things about investing and real estate that your "average" 20 year old wouldnt know

19. This might be interesting to some of you, and some of you will have no idea what im talking about. So sometimes when I talk it can come across like I have an english accent. Like in the way I phrase a sentence will sound more like a question it goes up towards the end. ugh im not sure how to explain it but if youve talked to me you may have noticed it happens sometimes. Well I like that, people notice and it gives me attention for something weird.......I dunno because in front of people Ill say "I do not" or shy away from the fact that it sounded like that. Its for my own enjoyment to act that way. But I really dont do it on purpose haha

20. Sometimes when I get into bed I roll my head forward into my pillow (ill have to show you sometime)

21. I enjoy sleeping in corners with lots of pillows and blankets......I like the weight of a lot of blankets, at least 3 if not 6 (it depends on how heavy each individual blanket is)

22. This may be awkward but I think its funny. If im using the bathroom with a tub that has a curtain not a door I HAVE to either open it or look behind it to make sure no one is hiding in their

23. Im still afraid of "monsters" under my bed. Its more so people or clowns under my bed im afraid they will grab me in the middle of the night and kill me under my bed with no one knowing

24. So I have really skinny and boney ankles that I claim to be self conscious of.......So not true I think they're kinda cool, along with my long usually skinny legs I think they're great! But i do try not to be too proud if/when ppl compliment me on them.

25. Love that I only have one dimple! My Dad has always pointed it out, along with my eyes. He's said that one day thats one thing that the man I marry will fall in love with.....My dimple and my eyes. I find that kind of unique (arent fathers subtly compliments the best?)

Well I think thats enough for now, Im so positive that I could keep going on and on haha. But I really should stop myself besides the fact that its almost 1 o'clock. Well hopefully you learned something new about me. Just dont go around telling everyone my secrets :D and if you didnt learn something new I hope some of these made you smile because you know that its exactly what im like. I like sharing things with you! I encourage everyone to write a blog about the things you love about yourself, it made my day (night) a little better and hopefully it will yours too. Besides I want to know all about you too. Thats whats so great about friends, the random, quirky little things we as individuals have. haha now im just blubbering on because im in such a brilliant mood. What a way to end my day!

p.s. they decided to name her Olivia and call her Livvy! Agh im so excited it couldnt be more perfect.....Little Livvy......ADORABLE! now I can call her by her name instead of It, baby, or Kevin (dont ask)!

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Beating Around The Bush!

So its been a whole month since ive written. Can you believe that? Time is flying fast which is cray because i thought this time in my life would go by very slow, but i probably just jinxed it lol.

Anyway so as all/most of you know a lot has happened in my life within the past.......lets say 6 months. Im usually a very private person when it comes to my life, unless your a super close friend (you know who you are). So its been a while since everything has gone down and just the other day I found out that someone I know didnt know my situation which astonished me, i just assumed everyone knew. With that knowledge I have decided to share a little more than i normally would. Mostly because those who read this 1 already know but dont really know whats going on 2 you know everything because i keep you updated. Ultimately im tired of beating around the bush because im not sure if people know or not. But give it another month or two and there wont be anymore beating around the bush, it will be quite obvious actually. And I trust all of you that read this you wont use this against me or judge me, so i feel safe writing about my life. It may not be as in depth or as personal as you would like, but if theres something youre wondering just leave a comment and if i dont want to answer it publicly ill just send ya an email or something.

Im going to try and make this short because i feel like ive been on the computer for too long haha! so for those of you who dont know, im pregnant. 22 weeks along already its crazy! Just today I found out that its a girl and im relieved because all my life while planning my "perfect world" as girls do i have always wanted a little boy first. mostly because im the oldest and i wouldnt want to have to deal with a daughter like me haha! So lucky me its a girl and I am giving her up for adoption. Some of you may have very strong opinions on this and believe me i did also before i was put into this situation. Right off the bat though i kept in mind that this was Heavenly Fathers child and he was the decision maker in the matter. Through lots of praying, pondering, thinking, crying, looking at families, etc. I came to the conclusion this child was not meant to be mine but someone elses and I have felt very comfortable and peaceful in that choice. So i looked through families on LDS family services for about 2/3 months before finding one i like then contacting, to my amazement they are the family i have choosen and they also have recieved their own revelation and peacefulness knowing that this child is theirs. They live in south carolina and have an adopted little 3 year old girl Addy who is adorable. I couldnt be happier with the choice i have made. I wish i could express to all of you how right this is for me, and how comforting it is knowing that this child is going to go to a loving home with both a mom and a dad who will be able to provide for it how i would have wanted to and they will love her unconditionally. How could i ask for anything more? They dont have a name picked out yet, but im anxious to find out what the decide. They have told me names they like and of course i have my own opinions on them, but i tried not to let my opinions convince them too much! so since i found out the gender today ive been doing a lot of thinking of course and i have so many different emotions. im excited for this child to come to here, im ready for it to be over so i can start my life again ya know put the past in the past its a bit hard to do when your pregnant to just move on completely. im excited for their family and for their daughter to have a little sister, curious to see what she looks like......lots of different things. also i know it going to be hard to give up my child but knowing its the right thing i wont sway in my choice when it comes down to it. The one thing i have been thinking a lot about today though is that i cant wait for her to be here with me. I know she'll be going to another family that is wonderful, but for those 24 hours or 2 days or what not that im in the hospital with her she'll be mine!!!!! i will have her all to myself (yes i realize other people will be there), just knowing that something as wonderful as my daughter will be mine even for that short amount of time makes me giddy. Yes of course i wish i could keep her, and be married and start that cute little family ive dreamed up, because the fact is thats still my dream and having it just grasps away will be difficult. i know that heavenly father has a different plan for me and this child so i can still have my dream life......just not right now. so knowing that i can have her in my arms to hold and to know and feel that she loves me will be a time and experience i cant wait for! to date my high school graduation has been the best day of my life (dont ask why) so im hoping this day will top it. Because it will be bitter sweet but just like high school graduation ill be moving on from there to bigger and better things in life and what a better way to remember that day? The day I gave my daughter her life and not only that but a better life than i could imagine? It'll be GREAT!(so much for making it short)
this is my favorite picture of her so far mostly because you can see her little round nose which i think is adorable i have more but they arent as cool to look at haha!