Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Beating Around The Bush!

So its been a whole month since ive written. Can you believe that? Time is flying fast which is cray because i thought this time in my life would go by very slow, but i probably just jinxed it lol.

Anyway so as all/most of you know a lot has happened in my life within the past.......lets say 6 months. Im usually a very private person when it comes to my life, unless your a super close friend (you know who you are). So its been a while since everything has gone down and just the other day I found out that someone I know didnt know my situation which astonished me, i just assumed everyone knew. With that knowledge I have decided to share a little more than i normally would. Mostly because those who read this 1 already know but dont really know whats going on 2 you know everything because i keep you updated. Ultimately im tired of beating around the bush because im not sure if people know or not. But give it another month or two and there wont be anymore beating around the bush, it will be quite obvious actually. And I trust all of you that read this you wont use this against me or judge me, so i feel safe writing about my life. It may not be as in depth or as personal as you would like, but if theres something youre wondering just leave a comment and if i dont want to answer it publicly ill just send ya an email or something.

Im going to try and make this short because i feel like ive been on the computer for too long haha! so for those of you who dont know, im pregnant. 22 weeks along already its crazy! Just today I found out that its a girl and im relieved because all my life while planning my "perfect world" as girls do i have always wanted a little boy first. mostly because im the oldest and i wouldnt want to have to deal with a daughter like me haha! So lucky me its a girl and I am giving her up for adoption. Some of you may have very strong opinions on this and believe me i did also before i was put into this situation. Right off the bat though i kept in mind that this was Heavenly Fathers child and he was the decision maker in the matter. Through lots of praying, pondering, thinking, crying, looking at families, etc. I came to the conclusion this child was not meant to be mine but someone elses and I have felt very comfortable and peaceful in that choice. So i looked through families on LDS family services for about 2/3 months before finding one i like then contacting, to my amazement they are the family i have choosen and they also have recieved their own revelation and peacefulness knowing that this child is theirs. They live in south carolina and have an adopted little 3 year old girl Addy who is adorable. I couldnt be happier with the choice i have made. I wish i could express to all of you how right this is for me, and how comforting it is knowing that this child is going to go to a loving home with both a mom and a dad who will be able to provide for it how i would have wanted to and they will love her unconditionally. How could i ask for anything more? They dont have a name picked out yet, but im anxious to find out what the decide. They have told me names they like and of course i have my own opinions on them, but i tried not to let my opinions convince them too much! so since i found out the gender today ive been doing a lot of thinking of course and i have so many different emotions. im excited for this child to come to here, im ready for it to be over so i can start my life again ya know put the past in the past its a bit hard to do when your pregnant to just move on completely. im excited for their family and for their daughter to have a little sister, curious to see what she looks like......lots of different things. also i know it going to be hard to give up my child but knowing its the right thing i wont sway in my choice when it comes down to it. The one thing i have been thinking a lot about today though is that i cant wait for her to be here with me. I know she'll be going to another family that is wonderful, but for those 24 hours or 2 days or what not that im in the hospital with her she'll be mine!!!!! i will have her all to myself (yes i realize other people will be there), just knowing that something as wonderful as my daughter will be mine even for that short amount of time makes me giddy. Yes of course i wish i could keep her, and be married and start that cute little family ive dreamed up, because the fact is thats still my dream and having it just grasps away will be difficult. i know that heavenly father has a different plan for me and this child so i can still have my dream life......just not right now. so knowing that i can have her in my arms to hold and to know and feel that she loves me will be a time and experience i cant wait for! to date my high school graduation has been the best day of my life (dont ask why) so im hoping this day will top it. Because it will be bitter sweet but just like high school graduation ill be moving on from there to bigger and better things in life and what a better way to remember that day? The day I gave my daughter her life and not only that but a better life than i could imagine? It'll be GREAT!(so much for making it short)
this is my favorite picture of her so far mostly because you can see her little round nose which i think is adorable i have more but they arent as cool to look at haha!

5 comments:

  1. She is beautiful :) Can't wait to be there for you

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  2. Soo cute! I am so glad you got a head shot! We only got a but shot from Felix. Good luck!

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  3. We Love you! And miss you. I'm excited to see you when you get back out this way!

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  4. you are a beautiful spirit, Berlin. This little girl is lucky to have such a smart and caring birth mom! Good on you!

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