Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Olivia Lea Barry (part 4)


   I'm partially expecting possible bad news later this evening so I need a "pick me up". Get my head in the right place type of thing (if you dont understand I have no idea how to explain it better sorry). What a better way then to write about Livvy :D In my first Olivia Lea Barry post I mentioned that I would blog about some of her little quirks she had that I adored. And since Im on that organization kick im going to write it in list form......with bullet points :D
  •    she always had/has her fingers and hands up by her face! its even cuter when she would put her long skinny finger into her mouth
  • I realize all babies do this, but she makes the cutest noises ever almost as if trying to get your attention (even at a day old)
  • the "disgusted" look she would give me when trying to take a picture and the flash was too bright
  •  how she would cry if she was cold, not a shrieking baby cry but a cute one i have no idea how to explain that either (my moms comment when she saw this picture was "oh look a typical Berlin face" I guess she takes after me hahahaha)
  • the way she would push her legs to go straight when she was wrapped up in the blank

proof of bullet point #3

  • her breathing when she sleeps
  • the way she would blink while looking at me
  • one thing I really remember from both pregnancy and when she was born were her hiccups, i have never heard or seen a baby hiccup that often. She did it almost every night while i was pregnant with her and then pretty much always after she ate. Too cute though! 
   So sorry about the multiple posts in one day, I just wanted to share my happy thoughts. Plus who knows how long it will be before I blog again (watch I'll probably blog again tomorrow....great now I totally have to make an effort not to). Im saying that because I tend to not blog if I think Ill only have negative things to say, although I do see my case worker tomorrow maybe that will help. Hmmm.....well thanks for reading again!

Organization Kick

   If you havent noticed Im on some sort of organization kick.......although I havent been super organized. Its difficult to be as organized as I want to be when im living in someone else house. Just one of those things I cant wait for, to be able to organize my own house someday. Someday! Color coordinated closests, bins with labels, baskets for laundry with labels, organized pantry and fridge (i debate about this being possible or totally ridiculous), and Ill know where all the dishes go, books, movies, etc. Ya ya I get it im kind of a dork like that, but its ok.
   I think thats why I write lists so often. Theyre completely organized! So while blog hopping (im working on finding something more productive to do with my life) I came across this lady's blog. She has a post about her "Life Binder" which is so totally smart. I always try to get a planner like that set up but always get frustrated trying to find a system that works for me. Lucky me, she posted a link to her templates she uses, and oh are they super organized :D So im going to try and use them......not that it will be filled with much, but if it works im set for  life! She has her own inspirational quote about goals at the top, it didnt really inspire me so I switched it to one Albert Einstein said "If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things". So you could switch it to whatever you want. I also made some of the boxes bigger, but all in all im excited to start using it and see how it works out!             

Monday, September 27, 2010

Covet This?

I am coveting black bookcases right now!!!!! Obviously I cant have one because I dont own a house, nor does the floor plan for my dream home have a spot for a black bookcase/shelf (.....hmmm maybe the guest room/office i guess that would make sense.....oh and yes i have a floor plan of my dream house:D). But I just think they're so elegant, classy, and timeless. To be honest the first thing that comes to mind is Clue the game haha and Agatha Christie's book And Then There Were None or Ten Little Indians (ones the book, ones the movie cant remember) just that time period I guess. Ya know where the men would go into the parlor/library for their brandy after dinner or something like that. Ah I am coveting it bad! Is that even possible?

Also Im dying for organization so when I came across this picture from here I had to save it to my files. Its so organized I love it! Color coordinated like my closet too :D I want a walk in closet also.......with tons of clothes to fill it up with. Like Carrie Bradshaw's closet from Sex and The City (although im a bigger fan of Charolette, shes much more conservative, and I've only seen a handful of episodes) Look at all the SHOES! I am not what I would consider a shoe fanatic, but I do love shoes! Especially organized shoes. Agh its so organized Im in love!

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Escaping

     So its saturday so a day of relaxation right? Right well lets just say that all I did was watch practically ALL the new tv show season premieres or the new pilots (super excited about Bones, Grey's Anatomy, and LoneStar, and possibly Our Generation mostly because I never really understood the whole high school scene which is why i went to 3 different HS) and ate popcorn and chocolate chips.......yes just popcorn and chocolate chips and I've had like a dozen water bottles. So what the heck am I doing? Escaping my thoughts is the only thing I can logically think of, which is a stretch im not sure if my thinking is actually logical at this point?
    Argh! When I drive......I have to turn on music and have the volume up, yet again escaping my thoughts. At least trying to. This has been one interesting week I dont know how I managed to not go crazy over my thoughts while I was pregnant. Thats a lie I do know, I dreamt about the future, only problem is that future is upon me now and I dont know what to do. Who knew that this would be my big dilemma? I dont know what im doing next I know where Id like to "be" as in marriage/kids/career all that jazz, I guess I just never thought about the steps to get there?????But I have, I just feel as if I've lost all of those somehow. I want to sit and watch tv shows and listen to loud music forever!
    Just last week I was so happy that who I was, was Livvy's birth mom and Im not in anyway saying im not happy about that anymore, I just feel like im losing that already? Not the happiness from it, but that person......Im having an internal debate about who I am because "that girl" and "the new girl" are having a hard time figuring out how to co exist. There are parts of me from before I want to keep, parts I want to get rid of (like why in the world do I still find guys with tattoos, guys with motorcycles, or big trucks, "the bad boys" attractive????I really want that to go away), and parts I want to completely forget about. There are some parts im ok with keeping around, maybe even bringing back parts I lost (like dancing, some days thats all I can think about how alive I felt when I danced). But how do you do that? HOW? Im still a bit frustrated theres no handbook for these kinds of things. I just want to escape...........but what am I trying to escape from?

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Monday, September 20, 2010

Olivia Lea Barry (part 3)

    So maybe I wont write as much as I thought I would at first. Partially because I feel like im already forgetting things which is no bueno so I better hurry. (No im not forgetting the most important or special moments).
        I said I would write about the adoption portion of the whole expereince later so thats what ill write about this evening. I really dont even know where to start.......I mean I think in previous posts (like months ago) I expressed how I knew adoption was the best choice for everyone involved. Through out the months of what I look at as waiting, I always felt peaceful that choice and even more peaceful when I found Amy and Vaughn and choose them as the adoptive parents. Honestly I still feel a little weird about calling them adoptive parents because I feel so strongly that they are Livvy's parents, the people she was always meant to be sealed to. I think knowing early on and feeling so strongly that I was making the right choice made it a lot easier (I hate using that word because no it wasnt an easy thing, but it was too right to not go easily or smoothly is a better choice of words).
     I had written out a plan of how I wanted everything to go down. My case worker kept letting me know that I pretty much had the power and that everyone would listen to me, or he would make them more or less haha. So that was comforting knowing what I said would go, so wrote out what I wanted to happen. Gave one to my parents, sent a separate one to Amy and Vaughn, and also wrote out one for the Dr. and nurses which I didnt end up giving to them (which was fine it all went well). One specific thing I had written was that I didnt want to see Vaughn and Amy in the hospital, just picturing it in my head was almost too painful. Surprise to me I completely changed that while in the hospital. I also said I didnt think I wanted to feed Livvy or hold her a ton........well guess who ended up in my room ALL DAY saturday haha Livvy. I wouldnt have had it any other way. Also when it was time to go home and Vaughn and Amy were at the hospital I told everyone I wanted them to come in. Which was just so perfect and sorry but I'm saving that part to myself :D I just really surprised myself with how strong I was that whole day and especially that night. It was so "easy" to see them holding her and putting her in their car. It was just right!
          Saturday I did have a moment of weakness when I thought I couldnt see them in the hospital. I had a really good close friend call me and leave a message (there was no way i was going to answer the phone that day). All he said was congratulations, i love you, and hope all is well. Ive known him for at least 10 years and consider him a really close friend and appreciated the call. So my thought process went something like this; he's such a great amazing young man, the type of guy everyone should want to marry, I hope Livvy marrys someone like him..........RUSH OF EMOTIONS!!!!!!!!!!!! This was the first time that I had pictured her older than a day old, I had a hard time connecting the baby, her, and the thing that has been growing in my stomach for the last 9 months for the first day and a half. So the leap from her at a day old to her as a 20+ yr old was a bit emotional. I still hope and pray that she will marry the most amazing man ever (hm......i guess i should get married first eh?) but im not all sorts of emotional about it anymore.
     Once at home that night without Livvy is when I think everything really hit me. It was a huge feeling of abandonment. I know doesnt make sense right, its usually the one "left behind" or adopted who should be the one feeling abandonment (even though babies dont really know whats going on). I guess more of the feeling of loss. I still will occasionally get that feeling still, like if something goes "wrong" then I think oh I was she was here with me even just back inside of me......but then I realize shes in the right place and I can get through life on my own without a physical person "being there".
     Its an interesting expereince..... I cant even really explain the extent of it in words because a lot of it is feelings and not just everyday feelings. Ones that all come from a deeper place. I would go through all the pain again to have that one full day I had with Livvy. I couldnt be happier, or more blessed with where she is ending up. I thought the evening I said the "final" goodbye before she left california would be really difficult, but it wasnt as if I was loosing her. My Dad explained it well, its almost as if shes going to live with a relative which just goes to show the deep connection I have with her parents also. I hope Amy wont mind me sharing this, the night we left she very casually said "You know we're going to be next door neighbors in the celestial kingdom right?" and I sure hope we are! Im so grateful I've had the opportunity to start a relationship with the Barry family. Way too many blessings have come from this experience on all sides its almost not fair to other people. Needless to say Im handling the adoption rather well. Friday night I was getting ready to go to my cousins for a short visit and listening to music and I just became incredibly happy! Just had the biggest smile on my face and almost wanted to laugh because I couldnt have asked for this to go any better. And just a few short hours later I was driving around and starting crying and giggling at the same time because I was just filled with so much joy and appreciation for my life as well as Livvy's.
 There are going to be hard days, hard hours, and hard minutes......but its almost as if life has more of a purpose now. I know that im worth living for I know that, but now I have someone im so connected with worth living for. It almost makes it easier to make the right choices and do whats best for myself because im living for Livvy, because her life means everything to me. AGH weird how my perspective on life has changed in so many different ways. Its a great feeling!

Friday, September 17, 2010

Olivia Lea Barry (part 2)

Things No One Tells You About Pregnancy/Child Birth
(you didnt think i could get away without making a list did you?)
1. You may make it to 30 weeks with no strecth marks, but theyre just around the corner
2. Your body some how manages to run on little sleep, insomnia will find you
3. Child Birth isnt really all that bad (with an epidural)
4. You might actually like your delivery nurses
5. You will feel incredibly skinny even seconds after the baby comes out
6. No matter how many times you curse at your stomach and the stretch marks during the pregnancy, afterward you might actually smile when you see them afterwards
7. Someone should have told me not to complain so much, because once its over you'd give anything to go back in time
8. Your hair gets luscious, thick, and wonderful....cherish it while you can, you will loose hair in chunks afterward
9. Your stomach goes down quicker than expected as well as your weight 
The number 1 (well 10 in this list) thing I wish I would have known about before (is completely random but surprised the heck out of me) is 10 the "labor shakes"! No one said so when your in labor and having contractions its going to feel like someone shot you up with loads and loads of caffeine and your body will shake (like when you have a fever and you get the shivers really badly). The nurses did reassure me that this was normal, but still a little frightening (maybe thats because I got an epidural????? I dont know)

All in all I think I did enough reading, got enough advice, and listened well enough to expect most everything that happened during the pregnancy, labor and delivery. Cant thank Heavenly Father enough because I was so blessed with a smooth (and dare I say) easy pregnancy.

Olivia Lea Barry (part 1)

    So this is how its going to go down; considering I just gave birth my mind is all over the place. I had heard that your knowledge level drops once you have a baby. Not permanently but that everything is kinda mush mentally (and physically). Which is true I've hard a difficult time even reading 3 sentences because my brain is not wanting to comprehend anything. Because of that im not going to write down the whole 9 yards story in one post (this is also for your sake so hopefully I dont steal hours of your day), so im going to spread them out. I may even write 2 a day or whenever I think of something good to write about. I hope you all can follow along. Feel free to ask questions in the comments and ill write about them. I know this is sort of selfish but I really dont feel like telling everyone the story a billion times which is why Im sending you all to my blog to read about it.
40 weeks and 4 days this is actually what i was wearing when arriving at the hospital
       Lets see where to start? Thursday Sept 9 I told my mom we needed to go to the store to get a tight sports bra (since im obviously not breastfeeding) because I felt like it was coming soon. Especially since I was 4 days past my due date (which I had no problem complaining about, but now feel stupid for complaining). Later that day I went to the Dr.s where he told me my cervix was still shut and nothing was happening, so my hopes of delivering soon went down the drain pretty quickly, but I still hoped it would be soon. While hoping I did not imagine that Friday Sept 10 I would wake up to a contraction. I had been having some Wed and Thur but that was the first time so I figured they were Braxton Hicks contractions. But while sitting awake in bed as I got another contraction about every 15 min or so I started to realize that this actually might be it, yet still completely skeptical. Come 3am my Dad woke up walked by and asked what I was doing, I simply responded that I was packing (I had a bag all packed 3 weeks before I was due, but practically unpacked the whole thing because all the comfy clothes were in there, so i had to repack), luckily I had written out a list of things I still needed to pack, and of course my Dad didnt think twice about me packing.
     It was so difficult to tell if I was really in labor because with everything I had read false contractions, were practically the same as real contractions. Besides the fact the never having contractions before I did not know if they were contractions or my body messing with me. They were consistently irregular! I would have 3 in 5 min that didnt grow in intensity, or only 2 in 10 min that would get worse, and the darn book said to go into the hospital when your physician told you (i.e. once contractions are every 5 min or 3 min), too bad my Dr. didnt tell me anything since he didnt think the baby was coming anytime soon. So 445am comes along and my Dad gets up to get my brother up for seminary (yes he has early morning seminary because of band, i think hes insane) and I quietly "yelled" down the hall "DAD" (i felt like a little child again because i was too lazy/in pain to get out of bed) he came back and I asked him to get my mom (he said it took him a few seconds to realize why I was asking for mom in the middle of the night), who very quickly came into my room, so I nonchalantly asked what contractions felt like. 3 and a half hours later we were on to the hospital. I kept saying and thinking if they tell me Im not in labor, I will refuse to leave the hospital until I deliver this baby.
     Luckily once they finally checked me I was dilated 4cm! by 945 I was in my delivery room hanging out. My nurse came in and told me that the anesthesiologist was on his way. My Dr. (luckily is also LDS and is very understanding of the situation) had been at the hospital all night (he was the on call "no doc" doctor that night, and said that today was the busiest he had seen it in 13 years) and was there when I was walking to my room and he called for the anesthesiologist for me, since I had asked how early I could get one at a previous appointment. By 1045 I was all drugged up, dilated to 5cm and the Dr. broke my water.  
     To me it seemed like only an hour later, but it was probably 2-2 and half hours later the nurse came in and reprimanded me for not moving around. I just stayed on my back the whole time and she wanted me to be moving from side to side(she was actually a very funny lady and told me that she enjoyed potato chips and beer, I had to hold back my laughter when she said that). So she checked me said "well looks like youre going to have a baby", my initial thought "NO DUH!", but before what she said really registered a huge rush of emotions came over me and yes I wanted to cry. So when my mom came back in she thought I was crying so she started crying which tipped me over the edge and I really started crying and just pointed towards the door for her to leave. Not because I was mad but because a rush of adrenaline had set in and having my Mom there just made the emotions that much worse. So I "labored down" (dont ask me what that means because all I did was sit there for about 30 more min before pushing). So started the whole pushing process, and at one point the nurse said to another nurse "you need to go get the Dr. from the hall, or im going to be delivering this baby" Dr. walks in 3 contractions later Livvys born. So total 45 min of pushing which honestly it all went by way quicker than it really was(i wonder if it goes by that quickly for the nurses too because theyre busy or if its a drag because they do the same thing everyday?) So 3:24 September 10th 2010 Olivia Lea Barry was born, 7lbs 12oz 21inches long and gorgeous and perfect.
 I realize it was my baby(and Vaughn and Amy's) so me saying she was perfect is completely biased, but she really was. On the next few posts Ill have to share some of my favorite little quirks she already had that I just fell in love with. Dont get mad at me for saying this all you mothers out there, but delivery was honestly a thousand times easier than I ever expected. Yes I had an epidural and have no idea how women out there have natural births (I think I wouldve been cursing at the world if I had a natural birth), because even with the epidural towards the end I could feel some of my contractions that hurt like the early contractions which means they were way intense. I am swearing by epidurals and will gladly bring on the next one for my next pregnancy (please dont think that I am bashing any of you who have had natural births I actually gained a great deal of respect for you, I may still not understand your reasoning's, but the fact that you're willing to go through that much pain for your child is absolutely incredible and you have me beat in every area).
       Well I knew some of these posts would be long, because trying to condense 13 hours of labor into a few simple paragraphs is a bit difficult. I tried to leave out the super gory details in case a male happens to read this, but I have to problem letting you know the gory details if you want to know HAHAHA! And also I am doing well because I know youre all wondering. I am almost better now than I was 7 months ago. I dunno just happier, which is weird because Livvy isnt with me anymore, but I know that shes with her mom and grandparents right now sleeping, opening her big eyes, and getting cooed over which is comforting to think about. Ill write more about the adoption and my thoughts and feelings later, I might surprise a few of you!
     Thanks for all the love and support each and every one of you have given me. I know you have all been praying for me, because this process wouldnt have gone so smoothly without those thoughts and prayers. So a huge thank you, I truly feel completely indebted to the many people who have reached out. Just those tender mercies that are so easy to look past, a million thank yous. I cant even say it enough to express my gratitude. THANKS!

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Great Day!

Yesterday was such a fantastic day. Although I did receive an email from someone completely unexpected and it started to throw me into shamble, but somehow recovered from it quickly and smoothly. Just hope that doesnt happen again anytime soon, or ever for that matter.
There's nothing super special about my day yesterday, my dad had a business meeting, mom did the regular stuff, and I had a Dr. Apt (which i waited for, for an hour just for them to tell me come back tomorrow cuz he had to do an emergency c section). After which I went to wal mart and spent an hour looking at and for nothing pretty much. Bought some popsicles, one of which the flavor is awful! But the momma likes it, so she'll probably eat those ones. Also got 2 movies from redbox to bide my time while im up at all hours of the night. I got The Back Up Plan with Jennifer Lopez who im not a huge fan of, but seeing as how this movie was about pregnancy it was amusing, and I didnt even cry when the boy didnt want to leave, back out, and he actually wanted to take responsibility.......even though they werent his kids.....fancy that! And I got Date Night which looked hilarious, just not as funny as I thought it would be.......and I know my parents would not like it, too much crude/dirty humor for them I think. Oh maybe I should re evaluate what I watch too then.....shoot! Maybe it wasnt that great because im not obsessed with Steve Carrell? never really got into the whole office thing for some reason. But Tina Fey on the other hand, im a huge fan of! I am a fan of 30 Rock.........hilarious! Not sure why I got attached to that show and not the office, its got similar humor, just different. And wow what do you care hahahahaha!
I wish I could explain how great my day was yesterday. But there arent words to describe my moods, feelings, or anything. It was sort of overcast and as you all know I love rainy weather so maybe that had something to do with it? I wore my little maternity top (i some how managed only to purchase one) and a long sleeve super light thin cardigan.......pure bliss. Just made the whole day fantastic. Not to mention I started having more contractions :D Like ones where im walking through Wal Mart and have to stop walking because its so strong and hope that I dont have a funny look on my face. Now this morning I've been having them for about the past 2 hours maybe every 10 min or so, but still super irregular and I cant tell if theyre getting more intense or not yet. So yes I lost sleep over it, because I would probably be sleeping now otherwise, but if it means I could be in the hospital by tonight or tomorrow, bring it on!.........I think............

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Past Due!

                     So I have officially made it one day past my due date.......oh the joy! How can I put that more sarcastically? The past 2 days the question I've gotten most is "How are you feeling?" my response is fine. Because honestly I feel perfectly fine pregnant wise. But emotionally im so ready to be done! I mean of course im more that ready to be done physically also, but not because im uncomfortable. Whenever I tell someone I cant sleep they always assume its because I cant get comfortable. This couldnt be further from the truth. Anytime I lay down in my bed I fall in love with it all over again its so comfortable and my blankets are heavenly, along with the 5 pillows I have :D but actually falling asleep is absolutely impossible. So I guess yes after laying in bed for 2 hours not able to fall asleep it gets uncomfortable and I have to get up and start doing something. Anyone have any ideas why I cant fall asleep? Its like I have to get to the point of exhaustion before I can fall asleep, mind you thats usually about 330 am although its been getting progressively later......earlier?????about 530 am. so then what so I do the next day? sleep in until one because im exhausted! Except last night was awful woke up every 2 hours until about 830 and then every hour after that. I got up for about an hour at 11 and went back to sleep because I could hardly keep my eyes open. Anyway.........I was due yesterday, I have another Dr. apt on wednesday and im hoping to hear some good news. Like amazing, jaw dropping news like im at 3cm or something crazy like that. Meh I dont want to be induced! Except at the same time, whatever makes this go faster. I am ready.......sooooo ready to take these next emotions head on. Slap em in my face, shove them down my throat ready! because the quicker that happens the quicker I come back to reality. Then can I start figuring out life as it will be. I think im getting more selfish as I get closer to delivering.......hope thats a normal thing? All will come to a close sooner than Im expecting im sure.

p.s. if you've called me, texted me, or tried to contact me in anyway, yes im ignoring you and believe me when i say its nothing personal. as cliche as that sounds, im just not in the mood to really talk to anyone and go through the 9 yards of my life again. rehashing it just makes it that much harder. but i do truly appreciate the effort in contacting me and the thoughts. I truly do its crazy how many people in my life want to be there for me and i cant thank you enough. ill make it up to you one day because im sure not responding to you is not the greatest way to show my appreciation. im sorry but am grateful!

Thursday, September 2, 2010

18 Things You May Not Know About Me

        This is just another one of my glorious lists. I got the idea of thought from Naturally Nina my new blog crush. I have a new one about every other week, I love it, yet sometimes I think im following too many blogs. Some get old quickly too!
        This list is things you may not know about me........even if you are my best friend. Everyone has their own little secrets they keep. Obviously, people keep secrets....these arent real real secrets (because if they were why would I be telling you?) theyre just random things about me and my life that I dont think people know.

1. I had my first "real" pretend boyfriend in 4th grade and when I moved to CA I had to tell everyone about him
2. My favorite part about Grandma's house was the twin pops she always had
3. Even though I hate crying, give me a bag of chips, ice cream, cozy blanket, and a sappy girl movie I LOVE crying by myself
4. Guilty pleasure I have when it comes to shopping......organizing containers
5. I plan/re-plan/over plan my wedding every night while falling asleep
6. I prefer to drive barefoot
7. I'm tongue twisted.......literally
8. Im a quote-a-holic, im going to be one of those moms who has a billion quotes all over her house
9. I had my frist kiss New Years Eve 2005 when I was 15
10. I watched Yu-Gi-Oh in high school (my justification it was christophers tv and i didnt want to do homework)
11. I have probably had cheese cake as my birthday cake more often then normal cake
12. I got sent to the principals office in 3rd for yelling at my teacher
13. I love chewing on ice
14. I enjoy folding laundry
15. I was a classic skater for 2 years (like ice skating but old school 4-wheel skates)
16. I cut my own hair in high school
17. I broke my middle toe at my 8th grade graduation dance (I claim Heavenly Father was punishing me because I was only 13)
18. I couldnt think of another one, but it kills me to have odd numbers so this is #18

          Well maybe you learned something you didnt already know, maybe not. Nonetheless Im amusing myself. Woke up today and realized there was absolutely nothing to do, so this is better than nothing.  
(baby update, still closed tightly shut, no contractions, nada, doc says she weighs about 6 1/2-7lbs now, fasting on sunday if you want to join)