Saturday, September 25, 2010


     So its saturday so a day of relaxation right? Right well lets just say that all I did was watch practically ALL the new tv show season premieres or the new pilots (super excited about Bones, Grey's Anatomy, and LoneStar, and possibly Our Generation mostly because I never really understood the whole high school scene which is why i went to 3 different HS) and ate popcorn and chocolate chips.......yes just popcorn and chocolate chips and I've had like a dozen water bottles. So what the heck am I doing? Escaping my thoughts is the only thing I can logically think of, which is a stretch im not sure if my thinking is actually logical at this point?
    Argh! When I drive......I have to turn on music and have the volume up, yet again escaping my thoughts. At least trying to. This has been one interesting week I dont know how I managed to not go crazy over my thoughts while I was pregnant. Thats a lie I do know, I dreamt about the future, only problem is that future is upon me now and I dont know what to do. Who knew that this would be my big dilemma? I dont know what im doing next I know where Id like to "be" as in marriage/kids/career all that jazz, I guess I just never thought about the steps to get there?????But I have, I just feel as if I've lost all of those somehow. I want to sit and watch tv shows and listen to loud music forever!
    Just last week I was so happy that who I was, was Livvy's birth mom and Im not in anyway saying im not happy about that anymore, I just feel like im losing that already? Not the happiness from it, but that person......Im having an internal debate about who I am because "that girl" and "the new girl" are having a hard time figuring out how to co exist. There are parts of me from before I want to keep, parts I want to get rid of (like why in the world do I still find guys with tattoos, guys with motorcycles, or big trucks, "the bad boys" attractive????I really want that to go away), and parts I want to completely forget about. There are some parts im ok with keeping around, maybe even bringing back parts I lost (like dancing, some days thats all I can think about how alive I felt when I danced). But how do you do that? HOW? Im still a bit frustrated theres no handbook for these kinds of things. I just want to escape...........but what am I trying to escape from?

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