So maybe I wont write as much as I thought I would at first. Partially because I feel like im already forgetting things which is no bueno so I better hurry. (No im not forgetting the most important or special moments).
I said I would write about the adoption portion of the whole expereince later so thats what ill write about this evening. I really dont even know where to start.......I mean I think in previous posts (like months ago) I expressed how I knew adoption was the best choice for everyone involved. Through out the months of what I look at as waiting, I always felt peaceful that choice and even more peaceful when I found Amy and Vaughn and choose them as the adoptive parents. Honestly I still feel a little weird about calling them adoptive parents because I feel so strongly that they are Livvy's parents, the people she was always meant to be sealed to. I think knowing early on and feeling so strongly that I was making the right choice made it a lot easier (I hate using that word because no it wasnt an easy thing, but it was too right to not go easily or smoothly is a better choice of words).
I had written out a plan of how I wanted everything to go down. My case worker kept letting me know that I pretty much had the power and that everyone would listen to me, or he would make them more or less haha. So that was comforting knowing what I said would go, so wrote out what I wanted to happen. Gave one to my parents, sent a separate one to Amy and Vaughn, and also wrote out one for the Dr. and nurses which I didnt end up giving to them (which was fine it all went well). One specific thing I had written was that I didnt want to see Vaughn and Amy in the hospital, just picturing it in my head was almost too painful. Surprise to me I completely changed that while in the hospital. I also said I didnt think I wanted to feed Livvy or hold her a ton........well guess who ended up in my room ALL DAY saturday haha Livvy. I wouldnt have had it any other way. Also when it was time to go home and Vaughn and Amy were at the hospital I told everyone I wanted them to come in. Which was just so perfect and sorry but I'm saving that part to myself :D I just really surprised myself with how strong I was that whole day and especially that night. It was so "easy" to see them holding her and putting her in their car. It was just right!
Once at home that night without Livvy is when I think everything really hit me. It was a huge feeling of abandonment. I know doesnt make sense right, its usually the one "left behind" or adopted who should be the one feeling abandonment (even though babies dont really know whats going on). I guess more of the feeling of loss. I still will occasionally get that feeling still, like if something goes "wrong" then I think oh I was she was here with me even just back inside of me......but then I realize shes in the right place and I can get through life on my own without a physical person "being there".
Its an interesting expereince..... I cant even really explain the extent of it in words because a lot of it is feelings and not just everyday feelings. Ones that all come from a deeper place. I would go through all the pain again to have that one full day I had with Livvy. I couldnt be happier, or more blessed with where she is ending up. I thought the evening I said the "final" goodbye before she left california would be really difficult, but it wasnt as if I was loosing her. My Dad explained it well, its almost as if shes going to live with a relative which just goes to show the deep connection I have with her parents also. I hope Amy wont mind me sharing this, the night we left she very casually said "You know we're going to be next door neighbors in the celestial kingdom right?" and I sure hope we are! Im so grateful I've had the opportunity to start a relationship with the Barry family. Way too many blessings have come from this experience on all sides its almost not fair to other people. Needless to say Im handling the adoption rather well. Friday night I was getting ready to go to my cousins for a short visit and listening to music and I just became incredibly happy! Just had the biggest smile on my face and almost wanted to laugh because I couldnt have asked for this to go any better. And just a few short hours later I was driving around and starting crying and giggling at the same time because I was just filled with so much joy and appreciation for my life as well as Livvy's.
There are going to be hard days, hard hours, and hard minutes......but its almost as if life has more of a purpose now. I know that im worth living for I know that, but now I have someone im so connected with worth living for. It almost makes it easier to make the right choices and do whats best for myself because im living for Livvy, because her life means everything to me. AGH weird how my perspective on life has changed in so many different ways. Its a great feeling!
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