Monday, October 4, 2010

There's a Slight Chance I May Be Crazy

   K so dreams.........ever since Olivia was born I've been having more and more dreams, which is fine because frankly I enjoy them. Most of them anyway, except for the one last night.....The only person I really want to talk and discuss it with happens to be on a mission right now, so I will wait for her letter back I suppose haha. However Im sharing it on her because I have this weird theory kinda that if I write it out (anything for that matter) then it will be left on the paper. I think thats why I journal and write so often because a lot of the time it helps. I can just leave it behind and not think about it....So this is my attempt at that.

I have woken up from dreams kinda distraught or thinking they are real. Which always throws me off, so this morning was the same. Except very different, I've been awake for who knows how long now and I cannot shake the feelings I got from it.

So this is what happened in the dream more or less (hopefully i can give you the readers digest version). In the dream Greg was there (go figure this is what made everything complicated) and he was someone else. (i wonder if he is in real life??i mean it has been almost a yr????hmmmm but i dont really want to know......i think). To this small blonde girl.....needless to say in the dream i did not like her. Gregs mom was also there, and Livvy(didnt look like her but thats who it was in the dream). For some reason in the dream Greg had her, like had custody of her or something. Except it was almost as if I had given her up for adoption to him. Weird! Which therefore meant this stupid little blond girl was also going to raise her. Gregs mom didnt really play a part in it she just held the baby a few times. So in the dream Greg talked to me a lot and I dunno i cant remember the exact conversations we had in the dream, but more or less he still loved me and wanted to be with me, but was engaged and was still going to marry this other girl. So for a lot of the dream it was me trying to find him, getting around the stupid blonde girl, to convince him that he was meant to be with me. So that we could raise the baby? I think? throughout the dream people kept handing off the baby to me to take care of. which was fine because it was my baby, but then the blond girl would come in and take her from me which obviously was hard. To make this dream worse I woke up once and tried to really wake myself up so i could shake off the weird feelings i was having, just to fall asleep again and have the dream continue. "At the end" of the dream it was clear greg was not going to leave this blonde girl and was keeping the baby. Which is where i woke up.

Odd dream ya? and even still i feel all sorts of weird about it as if it really happened.....still 8+ hours since i woke up. I do not understand and im usually not into looking up what my dreams mean and stuff but i had to today this was the only thing I came up with
Ex "lover"-Since dreams speak symbolic language, it is important to think past the actual person who is appearing in the dream. Try to think about what the person symbolized as opposed to the relationship you had with him. For example, if your ex was a doctor, he may be standing in as a symbol of healing - even if the relationship itself was anything but!
If we’re going through a stressful time in our lives and seem to have more on our proverbial plate than we ever asked for – our mind will take us to a “simpler time” – if an ex happens to be there, it isn’t necessarily a compliment to them.
Feeling of abandonment - The primary interpretive question is: `Who abandoned the dreamer, and why?' Being individually abandoned by a significant other can represent a feeling of insecurity in a relationship. This may reflect concerns about the feelings of another towards you. Are you genuinely receptive to the idea of being loved and valued, or do you view another?s affection as show? Abandoned: iVillage,,602746_603970,00.html#ixzz11R8NNIBe
Feeling Vulnerable - Because your person (either physical or spiritual) is at risk in dreams of vulnerability, the exchanges and conclusion of this dream indicate much about your life and how you see it. You may be wanting someone to come along and make things right, or experiencing a self- destructive pattern that needs resolution. This dream can often open your waking mind to ways out of the position that has you in a subservient or defensive posture. Vulnerability: iVillage,,602746_616120,00.html#ixzz11R8oAUqf
So thats what I came up with and it makes sense given the circumstances. But the main thing that is bothering me is that Love feeling. Someone made a comment to me a while back that no one that loved me would put me in the situation where I would get pregnant and vice versa. To an extent I agree with that, however, I was engaged......I was in love with him before anything happened. So maybe more a matter of respect and all, I dunno. What I do know is that I think there will always be a part of me that loves Greg. I mean theres a part of me that still "loves" my first boyfriend in HS and the first BF out at college. I mean maybe its not love with them but there is def. still a small little notch for them in my heart. So i just feel like Gregs notch is quite a bit bigger than the others. While trying to wake up and shake things off I had so many thoughts go through my head like I wonder what he's up to, I wonder if we could ever date again, I wonder if we could be friends again because I know we had a great friendship. I just didnt continue with that friendship because at the time I was so hurt, so devastated, and life was just too painful to get through with him around. So thinking about that it makes sense that I cut off communication. Even now it makes sense that I dont have communication. But why is this dream causing such a big problem in my mind? Im sure there is someone else better out there for me, and I keep having to remind myself of the little problems we had. I cant decide if its the "being in love" aspect of it im actually missing or him im missing? Oh goodness this was not suppose to ever be a problem again. I better not be stupid and email him or something because yes the thought did cross my mind, but what would i say? how would he react? what if he has a gf or is actually engaged again? could i feel good about that? I dont know, so maybe blogging about it is also keeping me from doing something stupid. BERLIN YOU ARE NOT IN LOVE! sheesh! Im hoping these thoughts and feelings will be gone tomorrow......I hope, oh goodness I sure hope so. I have to admit feeling like you miss someone who caused you pain is actually a little bit painful itself. I think thats because I may not have treated him nicely or fairly and now im feeling worse about it? Maybe I can write an email apologizing?.......oh goodness wouldnt that be a stupid idea! Have I really not gotten over him? I thought I had, he claimed he wasnt in love with me anymore after like 2 wks its 10 almost 11months later and theres a possibility im not over him? I feel like a little child......very very vulnerable right now......which means stay away from boys at all costs, which also mean NO EMAILS! sorry im saying that so much to remind myself its not a good idea. Well sorry if you read all of this and realized im going crazy and wish you hadnt read it hahahaha. But thanks if you did :D

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