Thursday, December 16, 2010

Ultimate Death (warning!caution!danger!dont read!)

Ok so I really dont intend anyone to actually read it, i just need to write and for some reason writing in a journal on paper isnt doing crap for me. Oh and also.......do not leave any comments on this post! (bet ya never thought youd hear me say that huh?)

Z is dead
DPJ is dead
Which leaves me feeling completely dead inside.

Why is it that you need physical people and physical touch to make you feel alive? I dont understand life, nor do wish to make any sense of it because it hurts. DEAD! is going home to my family really going to help? I mean im thrilled about going home and everything, but is that just going to make me feel more hurt and dead? I want to be happy at home with my family I do, but they can always tell when im having a hard time. I just want them to see me happy see that im progressing. Truth is though im not, im not and they can already tell just from phone calls. I can hardly listen to my mom or dads voice without crying. Its a lot easier to talk normal when you only say 3 words at a time. I dont like life, this wasnt suppose to be life, life is great and full of energy. Mines not though.....this is dead life. I need someone male or female to just walk into my life and 1 help me realize what im doing and 2 give me reason to be better. There is no rhyme or reason to my life right now which leave me with no motivation to do anything. Im almost past the point of going through the motions. Something is seriously wrong with me. Please please please I am begging all the nerdy brainy scientist crazies out there to make a time machine and let me go back 2 years....just two years is all im begging for. Then Z wouldnt be dead nor would DPJ for that matter, and I would be happy. Life wouldnt by any means be perfect but id be happy. Maybe even married in the temple......thats never going to happen is it? Too much effort in that, whats the point. I think I just might spend all day in bed tomorrow......or on the couch like today:D

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