Thursday, April 28, 2011

It Needs To Be Ok

Hey folks! (disclaimer; im mad frustrated and crying so if you dont read this one its all good)
So Ive been having a huge major break down......mostly around the weather man. Im not going to get into the story because he already got mad at me for sharing a tiny bit of the story with SoontobeMrs.Pace.

More or less he wanted to know how I knew the gospel was true. My response "I just feel it"! Which I felt like he was saying my feeling weren't legit. He wanted me to explain more, explain explain explain! I with fail every time "I feel its true". Not a response hes looking for. Finally I some how figured it out, what he was looking for. Like what I do that makes me feel this way i.e. reading the scriptures, praying, etc.

I went in to my room afterwards and cried my eyes out, like pulling my hair, dry heavy, drooling type crying because I felt like such an idiot! I have a comprehension problem, or an auditory processing disorder. This prohibits my brain from being able to work at a "normal" (whatever normal is) pace. Or I cannot articulate my thoughts very quickly if at all. As I have gotten older it has gotten a lot easier, but has also become more apparent. I feel like Im a lot better at it now compared to Jr. High. I use to not even be able to articulate my thoughts into words, and I know im a little better at that. Mostly Ive found a writting style that works for me. Anyway, I just went about crazy!!!!! I wanted him to understand so badly where I was coming from, but he didnt, so i beat myself up about that. Then I figure it out and beat myself up for having a retarted brain that doesnt effing work how or when I NEED it to. I feel like my whole world is crashing down yet again. Tonight is one of those nights that I would drive home in the middle of the night and surprise my parents in the morning.......but I dont have enough money for gas :(......Ive gotta wait till freaking June to see my family. I honestly dont know if I can hold out that long. Please hold on Berlin. It really is going to be ok!

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