Wednesday, May 25, 2011

"Wondering Why"

There are a few things on my mind tonight and I apologize for blubbering on, but i need to get it out there....out of my mind! 

First off last night/yesterday was one of the hardest days/nights I've had in a really really long time. Like complete emotional break down.....but I fought it :) Im strong and I can get through anything. I keep forgetting how many obstacles I've already overcome in my life and keep putting them off as not so great or amazing because they dont feel that way. I dont feel that way about myself more or less. But people looking from the outside sure think so, so i want and need to start seeing what other people see in me! 

Today at work we get these little calendar things and there is always a funny, or interesting little quote on the back. Today we got the June calendar and the quote was 

"Aren't the good things that come to those who wait just the leftovers from the people that got there first?"
                                                                                                       -Jeremy Pluozek 

When I first read it I thought it was the greatest quote ever! Like seriously the people who always wait get screwed over!!!!! And i am feeling much like that lately. But the fact of the matter is I have no control (which I hate). But I dont control the out come of situations. I make choices based upon the consequences I think may be waiting.....or walk in blindly and dont give a damn what lies ahead. Ultimately its my life and I choose what leftovers I eat!!!! (I hate leftovers actually especially spaghetti)

The other thing....I was watching Country Strong tonight while at home by myself yet again haha! Towards the Gwenyth Paltrow says to Leighton Meester "Love Everything" everything. I have a hard time swallowing that because love hurts so much. Even once you've found the one people say love hurts. So why live your life trying and learning to love everything just to almost always be disappointed? Yet on the other aspect love heals. So you cant live with it and you cant live without it? I dont understand the feeling of love. Its just a word but its always meant so much to me even before I knew what being in love felt like. So do I decide to love or go on with out loving everything? Then i also dont want to become one of those weirdos who does love everything everyone etc. and you feel like you have to match their enthusiasm when youre around them and its exhausting! Sometimes you just want to punch them and say you idiot life is not all that great....go experience life and stop living in your freaking perfect bubble because its not reality. (by the way love the country strong sound track....who knew i liked country so much?)

I love, love and appreciate how much it hurts sometimes. I dont think I would be this strong or have grown this much in my life if I hadnt loved, and lost love. Occasionally I remember Im only 21 and I have been through a hell lot more than most 21 year olds I know, then I remember how im still foolish in other areas. Im not perfect at all, but I do have to admit im a pretty damn strong 21 year old. I just often forget this. 

Maybe none of this is making sense....but I enjoy this blog. I know at the very beginning I mentioned that I was going to try to be positive in everything that Ive written and i am sad to say thats not always the case. I can be a "debbie downer" occasionally. Its not because I want your sympathy that I write it here. It that I give myself the illusion that people are reading haha! And you are and you do care about me. So maybe I write here to remind myself of the people out there that love and care about me? I dont know Anyway I think I need to make a shout out to some people. You probably dont know who im talking to or about. Im almost positive that none of the people I want to talk to read this.....but you never know. 

im sorry, for not staying strong to who I am, who I want to be, who I know I can be. I tried to promise myself I would, but once I tried to put you in the past I messed up. I guess im just glad youre not here suffering from my stupid mistakes im making. Ill always love you. You made life a little easier at times when I thought I was alone and no one was always had a way of making yourself known and I miss that! 

You are right......i wasnt committed enough to you and im sure i dragged you through so many silly games and you were still there, so why would you be there when i want you? I get it and I want to say thank you for saying goodbye at least for the next month anyway. I wish I knew what my life was going to look like in a month and I could tell you see i did love you, maybe not to the extent you wanted me to but i did and you taught me a lot. You taught me that men can still tear down my self estee, that i listen to the harsh comments guys say to me. I take certain things to heart. yet at the same time i learned im a lot stronger at standing up for myself then i use to in some aspects. i think thats why we fought so often. the things i want to stand strong on i think i still do. its the bigger things i dont stand so strong on still haha but thanks you were decently good to me. You showed me a different way of life growing up on a farm is way more fascinating then i ever though. My real life cowboy huh......i miss it the thought of seeing the cattle (cows;D) and you riding a tracker without a shirt haha very different from my home life and how i grew up. i kinda like it your home town was just so little and cute. i was always relaxed in that atmosphere thanks for showing it to me

and oh how i long for you sometimes. Im sorry for how this weekend ended we both know it shoudve ended differently but thats life right. i know you dont know what youre going to do with your life or what you want and frankly i dont what anything for my own life either i most def. should not have groveled at your feet it just shows me being desperate. im not desperate i just kind of want you again haha well i know you were gonna tell me yesterday what you wanted. but i said that awful awful comment to you which i never should have said that i really wish i could take back i wish i could take back a lot of other things and had our relationship end differently but no use fighting the past. so you didnt call last night which i kind of think is a good thing that probably would have broken me to nothing when i already was extremely low haha and you didnt try to contact me today either which ya kind of bugged me but i just need to call you and tell you i dont want an answer i dont! i mean to an extent i do but you dont know what you want so why force it out of you? youre going to choose something either because i want it or because you feel too stressed....i just need to call let you know not to worry about it. i need to work on myself a little or a lot more still and i think thats how youre feeling too maybe? maybe not but i still want to talk to you so maybe thats why i dont want an answer? i dunno i think that if we stay friends right now and you can be there for me or i can be there for you in a non committal friends only loving type of way it might be better for both of us? I mean i still want to cuddle and tell you everything i want you to be my bestest friend ha! but i also dont want to jump into something before im ready. ive been fooling myself into thinking i know youre what i need. again im sorry for my stupid comment. maybe ill call tomorrow? i hope to leave you a message i kind of dont want you to pick up the phone haha i miss you......i love you.......still

oh and poor you. yes poor you what are you doing? i remember when you said you were hurting for me and because of my choices but really! i dont even know what road you think youre going down or why youre hanging out with those people. i miss you....but you most def. are not you anymore haha! so i just have to sit back and watch you go on with your life against everything you ever stood for and talked about. you were so strong you were my rock and helped me through tough times and now your being stupid about your life. like ok ya maybe i was stupid to but this is like your in a pit and you dont have any intentions of coming out. can we ever be friends again? im drowning without friends but if thats the kind of friend youre going to be i have to walk away. im sorry i cant live the life you want or be around the people you want to be around. damnet you use to be one of those bubbly annoying people whos enthusiasm i had to match and now youre just the living dead. i dont know i hope you wake up! i miss you 

Well thats really all i wanted to talk about and now its late and i cant even remember what else i wanted to talk about ha! man tonight is a good night i feel so empowered lol and this weekend will be good maybe i will do my hair all cute and go out somewhere? i dont know where but i want to shine so bright people know im happy!!!!!!!!!!!

p.s. MOM YOURE AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!

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